[it sounds like an attack, but livio can't help but feel like there's self-hate at the heart of it. he certainly thinks he would recognize it. he doesn't agree on the last point, though, for better or for worse.]
You're right -- I'm being selfish. [and yet... not moving to leave. making it a point to continue being selfish.]
[It really isn't much of a choice. Company now, or company later. And while Gnosis's words still weigh heavy on his mind, there's still so much more he has to weigh. Dealing with anyone familiar to the situation threatens to make his stomach upend itself.
The situation frustrates him to no end. Part of him wants to scream as much to Livio, but some small sense of wisdom tempers his tongue for the time being. And so...]
Wait out here. I'll get what I need. Then you can follow me 'til we see the lighthouse. Just until we see it.
[he won't complain. it's more than he expected he would get, after everything. he does offer what shells he's gathered to vash before the independent goes to make his purchases.]
[Vash takes the shells with a nod. He... does appreciate it, even if he won't say as much.
In any case, he emerges from his business sometime later. He holds a notebook in one hand, and a rucksack of various goods in another. He slings the bag over his shoulder, before making his way past Livio. He knows he'll be followed, at least.]
[well... livio would prefer to help carry something, at least, but vash clearly isn't having it. so liv supposes he'll take what he can get, and walk alongside vash, as agreed.
it hurts, a little, that vash is so insistent on shutting everyone out when he's clearly in turmoil, but... well. it's become obvious what happens when he's forced to deal with things before he's ready, and livio stays silent.]
[Livio makes the right call in the end. It takes awhile, about thirty minutes outside of the little village they've come to set up, but eventually Vash finds the words for himself.]
He told you everything, right?
[There's no accusation. No anger. It's just a question.]
[somehow, vash bringing it up, especially out of nowhere, fills livio with dread and sadness. his eyes sting immediately, but he tries to focus on keeping his breathing steady instead of giving in to the urge to burst into tears.]
I don't know what "everything" entails. But he mentioned Beast, and Julai, and you disappearing, and --
[ah. his voice cracks, and he snaps his mouth shut. vash was the one to speak up. he should let the man say his piece before he breaks down and makes it all worse.]
[He should have known talking about this would be a mistake. Already, he feels the exhaustion of trying to comfort someone else through his grief. He should have left well enough alone, kept his mouth shut until he sent Livio off and then continued dwelling in his own misery.
But now here they are. He can't exactly pull back without another fight, so...]
There were -- are a lot of people living in JuLai. Dunno how I'm supposed to go on like normal, knowing what I do. Especially when [He swallows.] Nick knew for almost a month. He didn't tell me. All that time, I coulda been making a plan. Figuring out how to stop it.
There's so much I have to make up for. To... come to terms with. And to swallow down.
I get it. I'm not mad at you. Was never mad at you.
[oh, but vash will be mad at him. far more so than nick deserves.]
I -- I don't know what you can... He wasn't trying to hurt you, Vash, y'know that, right? Please don't be angry with him. It's just -- what good can we do while we're stuck here? Worry yourself sick? What could y'even...
[shit. it's already happening. livio shoves the heel of his hand against his damn eyes. he feels like he's grasping for any excuse to get vash and nick to stop fighting or worrying. maybe he is. he'd rather vash resent him.]
Vash, I knew. I mean -- I didn't know it hadn't happened yet for you, but I still should've -- said something. I'm sorry.
[Vash doesn't know if he believes that. Livio and Wolfwood have always been close. He knows that if push came to shove, Livio would make his choice, and it wouldn't be Vash. And though he tries to ignore it, the more sinister part of Vash's brain supplies that he's little more than an afterthought for Livio. Convenient to have them both, but not necessary.
He shakes those thoughts away, turning his gaze forward to where he knows the Lighthouse is. He just has to keep going. The conversation won't last forever. They'll be there soon enough.]
I can make plans. Know what I need to do once we're able to leave.
[He already has an idea. He needs to speak with Zazie about it, just so he knows every little detail. But there is an idea.
Admittedly, Livio's next words take him by surprise. A brief wave of anger washes over him, before rationality takes hold. Why would it ever come up, when Livio was so kind. He wouldn't want to hurt Vash by dredging up the memory. He would believe in the roots of their strange shared history without question.]
It's different. Like you said — you didn't know what we had both gone through. There's no need to apologize.
[He can see Livio start to cry, and the resentment creeps in. He hates feeling this way. It's all the more reason for him to be alone. Give him the time to condense everything down to a bite-sized ball of barbed wire. Once he'd swallowed it all down, they'd all be happier.]
[part of livio wants to yell at vash, not out of anger, but desperation. why can't he just believe that nicholas just wanted to protect him from this exact feeling? maybe he wasn't necessarily right to do so, but he meant well. but liv knows that this isn't the sort of thing he can just force someone into feeling. that only frustrates him further, but...]
Then -- let us help you. [he doesn't have any way of knowing whether they can change anything back on nomansland. hell, he doesn't know if they'll ever escape the goddamn grove to even attempt it. but if this is what vash is so set on...
he huffs and rubs at his face. maybe the tears themselves don't stop, but by summoning all his strength, he can at least keep from sobbing like a baby.]
If y'don't trust me, let Nick. Or if you don't trust him, let me. Please, Vash. We don't want you t'be in pain alone.
[He knows that part of it is the need to isolate himself, just as he knows that Livio will pinpoint that. But it's more than that. He doesn't know how to move forward. And as someone who has always refused to let himself wallow, he can't imagine trying to shoulder that burden with others.
Not yet.]
I need you to understand that, okay. I'll come home once I'm ready. I'm... not trying to avoid everyone forever. But I need to understand things. Find my own way forward. And until then I need to be by myself.
[it sure sounds exactly like wallowing, but... vash has said more than once that he needs his space respected. whether or not livio thinks it's a good idea is irrelevant.]
[At least it isn't a fight for this much. Despite the initial resentment. appreciates Livio more than he can put into words. And as the lighthouse begins to come into view, Vash offers up one last thing.
[livio wants to hear that about as much as vash himself does. he can't help a quiet breath of disbelief. rather than argue or simply walk away without a word like he wants to, though, he steadies his voice before he turns to go.]
... Stay safe.
[it's fine. he'll just have himself a little moment halfway back to the cabanas. those tears can be a secret between him and the sea.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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his voice softens even further.]
We don't have to talk about it, Vash. But I don't want to leave you.
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I'm fine Livio. Why can't you listen to me?
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[...]
Let me do it for my own peace of mind, if not for you. Please.
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[Something rises up in his throat. It feels ugly and angry, but it spews out nonetheless.]
Nick did the same thing. He didn't want to listen to what I wanted, either. [He knows he should stop, and yet - ] You two deserve each other. Not me.
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You're right -- I'm being selfish. [and yet... not moving to leave. making it a point to continue being selfish.]
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[He wants to be alone. He wants someone to listen. He wants to scream and cry and...]
Please.
[His voice sounds like it's on the verge of cracking.]
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If you won't let me help you deliver the supplies, will you at least promise me you'll come home afterward?
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The situation frustrates him to no end. Part of him wants to scream as much to Livio, but some small sense of wisdom tempers his tongue for the time being. And so...]
Wait out here. I'll get what I need. Then you can follow me 'til we see the lighthouse. Just until we see it.
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[he won't complain. it's more than he expected he would get, after everything. he does offer what shells he's gathered to vash before the independent goes to make his purchases.]
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In any case, he emerges from his business sometime later. He holds a notebook in one hand, and a rucksack of various goods in another. He slings the bag over his shoulder, before making his way past Livio. He knows he'll be followed, at least.]
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it hurts, a little, that vash is so insistent on shutting everyone out when he's clearly in turmoil, but... well. it's become obvious what happens when he's forced to deal with things before he's ready, and livio stays silent.]
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He told you everything, right?
[There's no accusation. No anger. It's just a question.]
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I don't know what "everything" entails. But he mentioned Beast, and Julai, and you disappearing, and --
[ah. his voice cracks, and he snaps his mouth shut. vash was the one to speak up. he should let the man say his piece before he breaks down and makes it all worse.]
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But now here they are. He can't exactly pull back without another fight, so...]
There were -- are a lot of people living in JuLai. Dunno how I'm supposed to go on like normal, knowing what I do. Especially when [He swallows.] Nick knew for almost a month. He didn't tell me. All that time, I coulda been making a plan. Figuring out how to stop it.
There's so much I have to make up for. To... come to terms with. And to swallow down.
So I needed space. That's all.
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[oh, but vash will be mad at him. far more so than nick deserves.]
I -- I don't know what you can... He wasn't trying to hurt you, Vash, y'know that, right? Please don't be angry with him. It's just -- what good can we do while we're stuck here? Worry yourself sick? What could y'even...
[shit. it's already happening. livio shoves the heel of his hand against his damn eyes. he feels like he's grasping for any excuse to get vash and nick to stop fighting or worrying. maybe he is. he'd rather vash resent him.]
Vash, I knew. I mean -- I didn't know it hadn't happened yet for you, but I still should've -- said something. I'm sorry.
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He shakes those thoughts away, turning his gaze forward to where he knows the Lighthouse is. He just has to keep going. The conversation won't last forever. They'll be there soon enough.]
I can make plans. Know what I need to do once we're able to leave.
[He already has an idea. He needs to speak with Zazie about it, just so he knows every little detail. But there is an idea.
Admittedly, Livio's next words take him by surprise. A brief wave of anger washes over him, before rationality takes hold. Why would it ever come up, when Livio was so kind. He wouldn't want to hurt Vash by dredging up the memory. He would believe in the roots of their strange shared history without question.]
It's different. Like you said — you didn't know what we had both gone through. There's no need to apologize.
[He can see Livio start to cry, and the resentment creeps in. He hates feeling this way. It's all the more reason for him to be alone. Give him the time to condense everything down to a bite-sized ball of barbed wire. Once he'd swallowed it all down, they'd all be happier.]
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Then -- let us help you. [he doesn't have any way of knowing whether they can change anything back on nomansland. hell, he doesn't know if they'll ever escape the goddamn grove to even attempt it. but if this is what vash is so set on...
he huffs and rubs at his face. maybe the tears themselves don't stop, but by summoning all his strength, he can at least keep from sobbing like a baby.]
If y'don't trust me, let Nick. Or if you don't trust him, let me. Please, Vash. We don't want you t'be in pain alone.
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[He knows that part of it is the need to isolate himself, just as he knows that Livio will pinpoint that. But it's more than that. He doesn't know how to move forward. And as someone who has always refused to let himself wallow, he can't imagine trying to shoulder that burden with others.
Not yet.]
I need you to understand that, okay. I'll come home once I'm ready. I'm... not trying to avoid everyone forever. But I need to understand things. Find my own way forward. And until then I need to be by myself.
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... Okay.
We'll be here when you're ready.
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[He could leave it at that, continue forward on his quest in the sand. Maybe Livio would get the hint and fall back. But instead.]
Thanks, for that. For being here. [An inhale.] I won't say "tell Nick I'm sorry." But at least tell him I'll try to be home soon. Okay?
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I will.
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You're a good man. 'm lucky to have you.
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... Stay safe.
[it's fine. he'll just have himself a little moment halfway back to the cabanas. those tears can be a secret between him and the sea.]