[ No. Vanilla won't let him. As Vash tries to draw back, Vanilla shifts his hold. Captures two of those hands, holds them tight. ]
No. Listen to me, please, my dear. Look at me. A monster is someone who deliberately hurts. Who feels nothing for the lives they take, or even joy. The thing in the forest is a monster. It laughs at the pain it sheds, it enjoys it.
[ He lets go of one hand so he can raise his, tidy Vash's bangs gently, sweep them from his face. ]
A monster doesn't cry over the lives taken. A monsters heart doesn't break for the future, doesn't tear themselves apart over the what if's.
[ A light touch to Vash's cheekbone with his thumb, as if wiping away tears. ]
Doesn't cry. I do not believe for a second you deliberately took lives. I do not believe for a second that in the future, you do not try your best to minimize casualties. You are not a monster, Vash. You're as human as any of us are. [ Plant, Minotaur, doesn't matter. ] And the future is never set in stone. It can be changed.
[He shakes his head, perhaps accidentally jostling the hand against his hair, against his cheek. He knows what Pure Vanilla is trying to say. Anyone with a heart as warm as his would want to offer forgiveness. Wasn't that the reason why Vash had fallen for him so hard? The love he had to give others, no matter what they had done. It was admirable, when it wasn't directed at him.
But each word meant to comfort only feels like a whip of thorns. He winces and crumbles beneath each lash, shaking his head gently at first, then nearly violently. Though he had stopped moving away when Pure Vanilla had first latched on, he tugs just the slightest bit more firmly against his can.]
Please. Stop. You can't - say that to me.
[And he knows... he knows exactly what Pure Vanilla will say in kind. That he still deserves love and kindness, despite it all. Again, it's the same thing Vash would say? But it being reflected back at him?]
Please don't. I don't want to be forgiven. I don't want to be told it's okay -
[ And when Vash tugs more firmly, Pure Vanilla will let go. He won't hold him against his will, won't force him to stop, but he won't stop talking. And Vash is right, everyone deserves love, and Vanilla would say it, if he wasn't confused.
So he let's Vash pull back, tucks his hands into his lap instead and turns his head. Tilts it a little, giving Vash some 'privacy' despite not being able to see him with his eyes anyways. ]
Why not?
[ His voice is soft as he asks but he feels he must. He wants to understand Vash and where this self-loathing comes from. This utter denial that he's worth any love or tenderness. ]
Why will you not allow yourself to accept love? Forgiveness? Why are you so intent on seeing yourself as a Monster?
[Vash makes a face. Putting this sort of thing into words isn't easy. He knows Pure Vanilla is trying, but he also knows that there's only so much he can do. This isn't just Vash being stubborn in this case. Love is one thing. He might still struggle with it, but he's coming around the concept. Forgiveness... is an entirely different minefield.]
You just - [He shakes his head once. His mouth opens, then closes. He knows what he wants to convey, he just has to figure out a way to do it without hurting.] It's not your place to forgive me. You weren't there. You didn't have loved ones there. Maybe I'm not a monster, maybe it's not my fault but... you can't be the one to determine that.
[With the words out, Vash hangs his head. He feels guilty even denying Pure Vanilla this, but it's all so... complicated.]
[ Oh. He reaches out again to take one of Vash's hands. Squeezes it gently, folds his fingers with his, and rubs a thumb over his knuckles in a soft pet. ]
I understand.
[ And he does. He gets it. ]
I won't offer forgiveness, because you're right. I am not a part of that, I had no friends or family there. I cannot offer you it, but I hope you offer it to yourself. But... I can offer you understanding. I know the feeling of guilt that eats away at you, the idea of all those lives you feel are on your hands. I know what it is like to have nightmares of them blaming you, of failing lives you wanted so badly to protect.
[ He shakes his head a little, tightens his hold just a little. ]
[This time, Vash doesn't shy away. He squeezes the hand back, then sandwiches it between the other. For a moment, it almost seems like he's clinging, desperatefor a lifeline. He should have known Pure Vanilla would understand but...
As always, it's so hard to speak about himself.]
I never even met them, is the worst part. I haven't been to JuLai in years. But I still feel their loss. [He squeezes his eyes tightly shut.] I... have a plan. But it might mean that I don't get to go home. And I know that Wolfwood will want to.
[His head shakes a few times.]
It feels like there's no winning. Like there's no hope.
[ That kind of makes him want to laugh. Wasn't he himself scolded quite loudly over his desire to remain behind if it meant closing the gate? Now here's Vash, and Pure Vanilla knows he means to take himself out of the equation so that this city of his doesn't get destroyed.
If he's not around, it won't happen.
It does make him smile sadly, because the man follows the same path he does when it comes to considering things others want over themselves. ]
It does sometimes feel like that, doesn't it? Times when that tiny voice in your head asks you why you bother, when everything you touch ends in failure anyways. [ Silly-vanilly, a half Cookie, useless, failed your friends, your people, and still failing. ] But Hope is not such a tiny, fragile thing, that it ceases to exist in those moments. Even if you cannot see the Light of it, it shines there. It's in the dirt under your nails when you cling the hardest, it's in the grit of your teeth, the beat of your heart.
[ He squeezes his hand again. ]
Hope is you fighting still. Making plans still. You are Hope, so it is no wonder sometimes you lost sight of it. When was the last time you have looked upon yourself without despair?
[vash knows it to be true. Even as he despairs, he hasn't given up. He knows there has to be a way through, without death and without fighting. If it meant removing himself from the picture by staying behind, then that was simply the way of it.
Still, when Pure Vanilla sks his question, he can't help but stare in stunned silence. What is he supposed to say to that, when they both know the answer wouldn't be anything pleasant. In fact, he can't help but offer a wry, humorless grin.]
Think we both know the answer to that. [He lets out a low sigh.] Can't remember I was able to look in the mirror without feeling that way.
[ And Vash gets back a wry look of Vanilla's own, because yeah, he thought so. He turns more towards the other and folds his second hand over the one sandwiching his, squeezes both. ]
I know. And all I can offer is the advice that if you can't see it in yourself, see it in others. And know, though it will be hard, they see it in you as well. I have Hope for you, Vash. I see it in you. I know you will figure something out for your city, for those people. And I know-
[ He raises his hand again and lights it on Vash's face, cupping the curve of his jaw gently. ]
-you will figure things out between you and Wolfwood. It's going to uh- ah- as some would say "really blow"? But sitting down and talking it out with all your heart is what will help the most.
[ Which means no running, no keeping your feelings locked up, no refusing something on the spot. Vanilla isn't sure how hard that'll be for both of them, both men are incredibly similar in their stubbornness, in various ways. They might both benefit from speaking with Cacao. He slides his hand up again and fixes Vash's hair once more. Boy you need a haircut. ]
[Without hesitating, Vash leans into that hand, hard as he can. He's a bit like a cat with the way he nuzzles in, appreciating a gentle touch after the harshness he's exposed his poor body to. Some part of him still bellows that he doesn't deserve this, but he keeps it tamped down for the time being.
He might have been content to sit like that, if not for Pure Vanilla's... unique choice of wording. It makes him grin despite everything, a breathy little laugh leaving him along the way.]
I know it will. And I'm ready to do it. And do what's necessary but... [He sighs against the skin of Pure Vanilla's palm.] He's the one who asked for a break. It's his call when we talk again.
[ The grin and the little laugh is like a balm. It's so good to hear it and see it again. He strokes his thumb softly against Vash's skin, nodding lightly. The sigh tickles a little and his fingers flex. ]
I am sure it won't be long. Time to cool down, to rethink words and approaches. Relationships will always have ups and downs, but so long as there is genuine love between the two of you - and I know that there is [ Wolfwood died and Vash ran off into the forest for crying out loud ] - you will work it out.
[ And frankly, he thinks Livio might shake them both gently to help. ]
I hope my words have helped, even if only a bit. Trust in your light, Vash, it's more beautiful than you think.
[ Vash's soul is gorgeous, even despite the amount of self-loathing that attempts to color it. ]
[Not unlike a cat, Vash leans into the touch. A sigh leaves him, deep and contented. Now that he's let his grievances out he... doesn't feel better, but at least a bit lighter. There's still so much hanging over him, so much that could go wrong. But not bottling it up, not sitting with the deep ache in his chest? There was something to be said about the relief that came with it.]
You really know just what to say, huh?
[He doesn't know if he believes in all of that, that his soul is beautiful. It's more likely that Pure Vanilla is simply trying to comfort him. Except... that isn't very fair either. He's not the type to lie. Kind as he is, he's also been extremely honest with Vash.
It's an interesting, if uncomfortable, thing to sit with and turn over within his head. But maybe... there's a little comfort to be found there.]
[ Vanilla has only peeked, curious. And it's alien to him, but beautiful, and riddled with self-doubt. Which makes it so very human it's heartbreaking.
How this man can ever think of himself as a Monster befuddles the former Cookie.
The way Vash sinks into his touch makes him smile and he strokes his fingers gently along, lightly petting. Then gently moves his other hand to cup the other cheek. Gently guide Vash's face down to press a soft kiss to his forehead. ]
I am always here when you need me, Vash. For whatever reason you may have. Even if you think it's inconsequential.
[ And he will never judge. He smiles and squeezes the other's cheeks gently before letting go, and picking up the Blondie Cookie doll again. ]
And sometimes, even if it's too something that cannot reply back, simply talking out loud does wonders.
[Vash closes his eyes once more, basking in that gentle embrace. He... probably shouldn't think too hard about how those lips feel against his forehead. No, definitely not. Better to focus on the little plush being pressed into his hands. He laughs just a little guiltily as his eyes open once more, before pulling the plush close to him yet again.]
Sorry, little guy. Didn't mean to let you go.
[The honesty offered is refreshing. Even Pure Vanilla had his limits, and admitting as much feels like a comfort. Not everyone could be a hero all the time.]
I'll try to keep that in mind. Wish I could promise more but... 'm sure you get it.
[ A small little quirk of his lips as he responds. Yea, he gets it. He scoots a little in closer again, so he's sitting side by side with Vash, and sneaks an arm around him. Squeeze the man against his side, lean his head in against Vash's shoulder. ]
Also may I offer? If ever you simply need a space, you are free to come here.
[ To this little bench amidst the trees. The Cookie house may be near by, and the School as well, but there's enough foliage here to private a surprising bit of privacy. For when someone simply needs to close their eyes and listen to the birds, to the bugs, to the wind. ]
[He only sought out comfort in this moment because he reached a breaking point. It's hard to say if he'll be able to will himself to do the same again next time. But maybe if he keeps trying. He's been focused on improving himself, hasn't he? Maybe it's more likely than he thinks.]
Maybe even just sitting outside would be nice.
[He doesn't have to come seeking Pure Vanilla out. Maybe just sitting down, away from it all, might help. Running away, but without all of the danger.]
Thanks for lookin' out for me. You're... [Despite it all, his heart thumps a little unevenly.] Once things are cleared up with Nick and I. You and I should talk.
[ He would argue it's less running away and more clearing of the mind. He smiles, letting the eye of his Staff close to just enjoy the other senses. The feeling of Vash against him, the sound of the world around them. And he can hear that little unevenness, his ears flicking gently.
And that gets a little rub of his horn against Vash's shoulder, a gentle touch. ]
Of course, my dear. You know where to find me, whenever you desire me.
[ That most certainly doesn't have any double meaning to it, nope, none what so ever. ]
Until then, may I make a request? Sit with me here, just a little while longer?
[He probably shouldn't let his heart skip a beat at those words. It shouldn't flood him with such warmth when he already feels so hollowed out. But here he is, clutching desperately at the first positive thing he's felt in days. The barest hope that Pure Vanilla might actually feel something for him, even after all he's learned, is at least enough to keep going.
If someone as pure as the former Cookie could find the faintest flicker of something to be redeemed in Vash, then maybe he really wasn't as bad as he made himself out to be.
He'll ponder that much more later. For now, he nods and allows himself to relax all the further in Pure Vanilla's embrace.]
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no subject
No. Listen to me, please, my dear. Look at me. A monster is someone who deliberately hurts. Who feels nothing for the lives they take, or even joy. The thing in the forest is a monster. It laughs at the pain it sheds, it enjoys it.
[ He lets go of one hand so he can raise his, tidy Vash's bangs gently, sweep them from his face. ]
A monster doesn't cry over the lives taken. A monsters heart doesn't break for the future, doesn't tear themselves apart over the what if's.
[ A light touch to Vash's cheekbone with his thumb, as if wiping away tears. ]
Doesn't cry. I do not believe for a second you deliberately took lives. I do not believe for a second that in the future, you do not try your best to minimize casualties. You are not a monster, Vash. You're as human as any of us are. [ Plant, Minotaur, doesn't matter. ] And the future is never set in stone. It can be changed.
no subject
But each word meant to comfort only feels like a whip of thorns. He winces and crumbles beneath each lash, shaking his head gently at first, then nearly violently. Though he had stopped moving away when Pure Vanilla had first latched on, he tugs just the slightest bit more firmly against his can.]
Please. Stop. You can't - say that to me.
[And he knows... he knows exactly what Pure Vanilla will say in kind. That he still deserves love and kindness, despite it all. Again, it's the same thing Vash would say? But it being reflected back at him?]
Please don't. I don't want to be forgiven. I don't want to be told it's okay -
no subject
So he let's Vash pull back, tucks his hands into his lap instead and turns his head. Tilts it a little, giving Vash some 'privacy' despite not being able to see him with his eyes anyways. ]
Why not?
[ His voice is soft as he asks but he feels he must. He wants to understand Vash and where this self-loathing comes from. This utter denial that he's worth any love or tenderness. ]
Why will you not allow yourself to accept love? Forgiveness? Why are you so intent on seeing yourself as a Monster?
no subject
You just - [He shakes his head once. His mouth opens, then closes. He knows what he wants to convey, he just has to figure out a way to do it without hurting.] It's not your place to forgive me. You weren't there. You didn't have loved ones there. Maybe I'm not a monster, maybe it's not my fault but... you can't be the one to determine that.
[With the words out, Vash hangs his head. He feels guilty even denying Pure Vanilla this, but it's all so... complicated.]
no subject
I understand.
[ And he does. He gets it. ]
I won't offer forgiveness, because you're right. I am not a part of that, I had no friends or family there. I cannot offer you it, but I hope you offer it to yourself. But... I can offer you understanding. I know the feeling of guilt that eats away at you, the idea of all those lives you feel are on your hands. I know what it is like to have nightmares of them blaming you, of failing lives you wanted so badly to protect.
[ He shakes his head a little, tightens his hold just a little. ]
no subject
As always, it's so hard to speak about himself.]
I never even met them, is the worst part. I haven't been to JuLai in years. But I still feel their loss. [He squeezes his eyes tightly shut.] I... have a plan. But it might mean that I don't get to go home. And I know that Wolfwood will want to.
[His head shakes a few times.]
It feels like there's no winning. Like there's no hope.
no subject
If he's not around, it won't happen.
It does make him smile sadly, because the man follows the same path he does when it comes to considering things others want over themselves. ]
It does sometimes feel like that, doesn't it? Times when that tiny voice in your head asks you why you bother, when everything you touch ends in failure anyways. [ Silly-vanilly, a half Cookie, useless, failed your friends, your people, and still failing. ] But Hope is not such a tiny, fragile thing, that it ceases to exist in those moments. Even if you cannot see the Light of it, it shines there. It's in the dirt under your nails when you cling the hardest, it's in the grit of your teeth, the beat of your heart.
[ He squeezes his hand again. ]
Hope is you fighting still. Making plans still. You are Hope, so it is no wonder sometimes you lost sight of it. When was the last time you have looked upon yourself without despair?
no subject
Still, when Pure Vanilla sks his question, he can't help but stare in stunned silence. What is he supposed to say to that, when they both know the answer wouldn't be anything pleasant. In fact, he can't help but offer a wry, humorless grin.]
Think we both know the answer to that. [He lets out a low sigh.] Can't remember I was able to look in the mirror without feeling that way.
no subject
I know. And all I can offer is the advice that if you can't see it in yourself, see it in others. And know, though it will be hard, they see it in you as well. I have Hope for you, Vash. I see it in you. I know you will figure something out for your city, for those people. And I know-
[ He raises his hand again and lights it on Vash's face, cupping the curve of his jaw gently. ]
-you will figure things out between you and Wolfwood. It's going to uh- ah- as some would say "really blow"? But sitting down and talking it out with all your heart is what will help the most.
[ Which means no running, no keeping your feelings locked up, no refusing something on the spot. Vanilla isn't sure how hard that'll be for both of them, both men are incredibly similar in their stubbornness, in various ways. They might both benefit from speaking with Cacao. He slides his hand up again and fixes Vash's hair once more. Boy you need a haircut. ]
no subject
He might have been content to sit like that, if not for Pure Vanilla's... unique choice of wording. It makes him grin despite everything, a breathy little laugh leaving him along the way.]
I know it will. And I'm ready to do it. And do what's necessary but... [He sighs against the skin of Pure Vanilla's palm.] He's the one who asked for a break. It's his call when we talk again.
no subject
I am sure it won't be long. Time to cool down, to rethink words and approaches. Relationships will always have ups and downs, but so long as there is genuine love between the two of you - and I know that there is [ Wolfwood died and Vash ran off into the forest for crying out loud ] - you will work it out.
[ And frankly, he thinks Livio might shake them both gently to help. ]
I hope my words have helped, even if only a bit. Trust in your light, Vash, it's more beautiful than you think.
[ Vash's soul is gorgeous, even despite the amount of self-loathing that attempts to color it. ]
no subject
You really know just what to say, huh?
[He doesn't know if he believes in all of that, that his soul is beautiful. It's more likely that Pure Vanilla is simply trying to comfort him. Except... that isn't very fair either. He's not the type to lie. Kind as he is, he's also been extremely honest with Vash.
It's an interesting, if uncomfortable, thing to sit with and turn over within his head. But maybe... there's a little comfort to be found there.]
Thank you, Pure Vanilla. For everything, realy.
no subject
How this man can ever think of himself as a Monster befuddles the former Cookie.
The way Vash sinks into his touch makes him smile and he strokes his fingers gently along, lightly petting. Then gently moves his other hand to cup the other cheek. Gently guide Vash's face down to press a soft kiss to his forehead. ]
I am always here when you need me, Vash. For whatever reason you may have. Even if you think it's inconsequential.
[ And he will never judge. He smiles and squeezes the other's cheeks gently before letting go, and picking up the Blondie Cookie doll again. ]
And sometimes, even if it's too something that cannot reply back, simply talking out loud does wonders.
no subject
Sorry, little guy. Didn't mean to let you go.
[The honesty offered is refreshing. Even Pure Vanilla had his limits, and admitting as much feels like a comfort. Not everyone could be a hero all the time.]
I'll try to keep that in mind. Wish I could promise more but... 'm sure you get it.
no subject
[ A small little quirk of his lips as he responds. Yea, he gets it. He scoots a little in closer again, so he's sitting side by side with Vash, and sneaks an arm around him. Squeeze the man against his side, lean his head in against Vash's shoulder. ]
Also may I offer? If ever you simply need a space, you are free to come here.
[ To this little bench amidst the trees. The Cookie house may be near by, and the School as well, but there's enough foliage here to private a surprising bit of privacy. For when someone simply needs to close their eyes and listen to the birds, to the bugs, to the wind. ]
no subject
[He only sought out comfort in this moment because he reached a breaking point. It's hard to say if he'll be able to will himself to do the same again next time. But maybe if he keeps trying. He's been focused on improving himself, hasn't he? Maybe it's more likely than he thinks.]
Maybe even just sitting outside would be nice.
[He doesn't have to come seeking Pure Vanilla out. Maybe just sitting down, away from it all, might help. Running away, but without all of the danger.]
Thanks for lookin' out for me. You're... [Despite it all, his heart thumps a little unevenly.] Once things are cleared up with Nick and I. You and I should talk.
no subject
And that gets a little rub of his horn against Vash's shoulder, a gentle touch. ]
Of course, my dear. You know where to find me, whenever you desire me.
[ That most certainly doesn't have any double meaning to it, nope, none what so ever. ]
Until then, may I make a request? Sit with me here, just a little while longer?
no subject
If someone as pure as the former Cookie could find the faintest flicker of something to be redeemed in Vash, then maybe he really wasn't as bad as he made himself out to be.
He'll ponder that much more later. For now, he nods and allows himself to relax all the further in Pure Vanilla's embrace.]
Just a little longer.