Yeah, exactly! It's different when we're messin' around. I like your grumpy, sharp edges and all that. But when I'm down on myself and you agree...
[He shrugs. If Wolfwood wanted to push back, to insist that he wouldn't stop, Vash wouldn't fight it. He feels uneasy, asking for things for himself. It's for his own good, and that feels wrong somehow. The narrative that he didn't deserve such good things went deep.]
And you shouldn't hesitate to tell me when I'm not getting something through my head, either. I know I shouldn't rely on you but... I need you, Nick. You're the best thing that happened to me in more than one way. You're not wrong when you say I probably wouldn't be alive without you.
[Which is... as good of a segue as he's going to get. His expression, briefly relieved at Wolfwood's agreement, sobers once more. Unlike his partner, he's still half hunched over the bed, making it easy to stare down at the ground, rather than looking up.]
I'm going to do my best to not run off and get banged up going forward. I know I keep saying that but... I'm trying. It's hard, and I won't pretend that it's not, but it only ever hurts us when I do.
[He's glad to hear Vash correct him on that, honestly. Knowing it's still okay to rib him like he always used to makes it sound like their dynamic isn't meant to entirely change, just...this one specific detail of it. That, Wolfwood is confident he can be more conscious of going forward. He'll make sure of it, at the very least.
Wolfwood's expression sobers a little. And for a moment, he looks...touched, genuinely, hearing Vash say that. It's kindof a huge deal for him to hear, given that he's done nothing back home but direct Vash right into the lion's den.]
I...need you too. You make me a better person, even if I'm still managing to fumble shit anyway.
[But he's trying, and Vash has acknowledged this. Which ends up leading into...
Wolfwood sits forward off the wall just a fraction, turning his head a little to try to look at Vash's face. He might not be able to look at him directly, but this is good enough for the time being.]
...Thank you, Vash. Seriously. Like, I know I sound like a hardass and a broken record, 'specially since...I know that ain't always somethin' you can help. But I...
[And now he sits back again, looking at his empty open hand in his lap next to the one still clutching his bottle of Bride.]
I worry about you. And every time you leave like that...I worry it's gonna be the last time I ever see you.
....'specially now.
[Knowing what they know. Knowing that his time on this earth is now cut extremely short.]
You might be fumbling, but so am I. We're both still trying to figure it all out, Nick.
[He's testing the water here, making sure that a first name basis is acceptable. Maybe he'd gone a little far, calling him Wolfwood when they'd last been together, but at the time keeping a careful distance was the only thing he could do to keep himself together.]
The point is, at least one of us has gotten better. And I don't think it's the guy running off to cause problems for himself.
[Likewise, Vash glances at that hand. His own twitches, thinking about reaching out. Instead, he keeps it firmly at his side. Even if they're doing better, he thinks about the way Wolfwood had denied him that same comfort a few days prior. He doesn't know if he can quite handle that same rejection again.
Instead, he folds them together in his lap. It's a fitful gesture, one that adjusts itself repeatedly. It isn't ideal.]
I can't imagine how it feels. It's... a big reason why I came back the other day. I wanted to run. I was so... upset and bitter but... if anything happened, I didn't want that to be it. If I only have a short time left with you, I want to make the best of it.
[Wolfwood notices Vash’s anxious fidgeting. He’d be hard pressed not to honestly, now that his full attention is on him. He also notices that Vash is slipping into blaming himself for everything again, and he thinks he maybe doesn’t even realize he’s doing it.]
Well sure, but…I didn’t exactly give you a reason to wanna stick around.
[It’s not like Vash running was unjustified. Wolfwood was…doing as he does. He was getting upset, raising his voice, and he’d just broken up with Vash more or less. Who would want to just sit there after that?
He gets it. And now that Vash is here, openly acknowledging it, promising to try to be better?
Wolfwood decides to make good on his own promise.
Even if Vash is too nervous to make the first move, Wolfwood- ever prompt and straightforward- will simply reach out and lays his own hand overtop one of Vash’s, tugging at it gently to try to peel them apart. To try to hold his hand, properly.]
[Vash's hands go limp the moment Wolfwood's fingers brush over them. He lets him pry one hand away, and only then does he tighten his fingers around him. For once, he doesn't care that it's his corrupted hand, the one that he's been so afraid might harm Wolfwood. He squeezes tight, almost as if afraid that the other man might simply drift away.]
Nick -
[All at once, it's too much to bear. He feels those calluses against his skin, stares at the stubble of his face and realizes just how much he's going to lose. He's wept for hours over the lives in JuLai, but somehow this single life felt like it would be the death of him.]
You don't - I-I mean it's not just -
[He can't figure out the words. Even if he could, the lump in his throat is making it too hard to speak. Instead, he uses the hand he has a hold of currently to pull Wolfwood forward. Maybe it's too far, too fast, but he doesn't care. He wraps his arms tight around the man, burying his face against his shoulder. He re-memorizes the smell of tobacco against the fabric of his clothes as he tries and fails to will himself not to begin weeping.]
Whatever gap was there, the gulf yawning wide and imposing, is crossed in a single motion, and...if Wolfwood wanted to stop it, he easily could. But he doesn't, because he doesn't want to. More than anything, this is how he wants Vash: close, in his arms, and by his side just like he was always meant to be.
If Vash had shied away from Wolfwood taking his flesh hand, he wouldn't have stopped it. It just felt...wrong, especially right now, to go for the hand that wouldn't be able to feel his touch as directly. And- God- the way Vash just falls apart is enough to break Wolfwood's heart.
And it isn't like he's made of stone. He's been fucking miserable for weeks now, and the closeness is like a soothing balm over a burn. Vash clutches him in a full-on, desperate embrace, and Wolfwood takes a moment to set the bottle aside somewhere it won't spill so he can return it. He has to be careful of his wings, but he manages to find someplace to put his right hand between them while his left reaches up to cradle the back of Vash's head, his fingers carding through the shorter hair there.]
No, you ain't. [He rumbles, pressing his lips to the crown of Vash's head.] S'gonna be okay. Yeah?
[He holds him a little tighter, a little closer. Vash might as well be in his lap, at this point. And as he cries, Wolfwood won't stop him. He'll just hold and let him, especially when he can feel unshed tears welling up in his own eyes, threatening to spill over when he blinks.]
[Nicholas D. Wolfwood has always been everything Vash has needed. Oh, he's danced around the feeling, fear holding him back from outright admitting his deep affections even to himself. To be so reliant on someone is a dangerous thing, especially for someone like Vash, who has ever been surrounded by death. Now, more than ever, he's aware of this threat, knowing that Wolfwood's death was no longer a vague possibility, but a reality they would have to contend with in the future.
Once upon a time, it would have strengthened his resolve. If he could shed himself of Wolfwood's presence, maybe he'd have a chance at life. But they're both too wrapped up within themselves now. Both here and back home, they've painted targets on one another.
And he doubts either of them would change it.]
I love you, so much. [He sniffles, wet and wibbling.] Jeez, shouldn't be cryin' all over you when...
[He leaves the rest unsaid. They both know what he's thinking, though. It doesn't feel right to weep when Wolfwood has so much more to fear.]
[Thing is…when is the last time Vash has allowed himself to cry? When has he shown this kind of vulnerability, believing he wasn’t deserving of it, thinking he needed to hold it all in and keep being strong for others? He fact that he feels comfortable enough around Wolfwood right now to show this kind of emotion is telling. Even as he weeps all over him and covers him in tears and snot, Wolfwood doesn’t think he’d have it any other way.
He draws back a fraction and tilts his head, not to pull away, but to look Vash in the eyes. His expression is excessively fond as he takes his glasses off for him and sets them aside with the bottle, returning to brush his bangs off his forehead.]
I fell in love with the guy who is exactly like this, actually.
[And he punctuates that with a kiss, slow and careful, to prove to Vash that there’s no more “too much” or “too fast”. The break is done, sealed with the taste of sugar mingling with liquor and nicotine.
When he breaks the kiss this time, it isn’t to go far, their lips still brushing as he rests their foreheads together.]
[The compassion Wolfwood offers, the love in his gaze, it's all almost too much. A fresh wave of tears threatens to start up, only to be interrupted as the man in front of him leans in. He returns the kiss not... enthusiastically per se, considering everything, but perhaps desperately. In that taste, of coiling sweetness, bitter nicotine, and sharp alcohol, there is home.
He's missed it terribly.
Like Wolfwood, Vash doesn't go far when the kiss ends. He adds to it, instead, tracing the thumb of his prosthetic against Wolfwood's jaw. He can't feel the stubble there, but he can pretend. It fills him with the same fondness either way.]
Maybe I can change a little. For the better. [He laughs faintly, before losing the urge to do so. This time, his gaze drops to the floor.] But maybe before we get too excited, we should talk about what comes next.
[When he'd last left Wolfwood, he'd said he wasn't coming back to no Man's Land. Though recent discoveries might have cast a shadow into that future, it sitll seems his best way forward.]
[It feels like they're finally getting somewhere, and it's a relief that's palpable like no other. He wants to cling to that feeling, and hold onto it for as long as it will last, because even in this moment he knows they've only just touched the surface of what needs to be discussed.
Still, he does find himself leaning into the touch of Vash's hand regardless, the cool metal of his prosthetic soothing against his skin. The way Vash starts to laugh and lets it trail off is...sad, because he can tell that Vash is still so deeply sad. He is far, far from okay, even if this little break in the strife between them has done something to alleviate that.
Wolfwood exhales slowly, his expression softening back into something a little more somber, still looking back at Vash directly despite knowing he probably isn't going to have an easy time with the next part of their conversation.]
What comes next...right. Well...m'here to listen now, whatever it is.
[Wolfwood isn't wrong. The sorrow permeates deep into Vash's soul. It'll be a long time before he's ever truly able to breathe through it. But it will pass, because it has to. Because he can't sit dwelling on it when there's so much more to do. It isn't the most healthy or productive way to go about it, but at least he's not currently beating himself up.
In any case, he has something else to focus on. He toys with the fabric of his pants for a long moment, before finally turning his attention back to Wolfwood. He takes a deep breath, holds it for a few seconds, before finally letting himself speak.]
I... don't know if can go back with you. If we wind up being given a choice, then... [He makes a small motion with his hands, before lifting them to bury his face within them. He wants to go, if only because it's extra time to be with Wolfwood. Extra time to help. But at the same time...] Zazie says they'll go for me. That they'll convince themself to not stand with Nai. Take care of... what needs to be done. And maybe if I'm not there, there will be less reason for JuLai to get destroyed.
At least, that's what I thought was the perfect plan. Now I don't know...
[He remembers him saying that, right before he left. It had been such a shock to the system on top of everything else that Wolfwood is pretty sure he didn't properly internalize and process it. But...now that Vash is bringing it up, here, it's clear it wasn't just a one-off throwaway comment. It's something he's seriously thinking about.
He doesn't want to tell Vash that he doesn't trust Zazie. He knows his perception of them is skewed because he's only known them as they've been a lackey for Knives his entire life. A spy on the wall, a constant itch in the back of his brain. Zazie does not care for Vash, or humanity as he knows it. They only care about one thing, and that's being on the winning team. The preservation of their planet, by any means necessary. So hearing that Zazie is going to...convince themselves to go against Nai? It seems unreal. A shot in the dark, more than anything.
Another heavy breath leaves him as his thumbs brush over the back of Vash's knuckles. His flesh-and-blood. Without even saying it, Vash probably knows what Wolfwood's answer would be, if he could go home. He has to. He has to...he can't abandon Hopeland, even if it means walking into his own grave, now.
His throat flexes as he swallows, hating the emotion that immediately creeps into him. It makes his eyes feel heavy, and his chest ache.]
I ain't gonna be the same person without you. Yaknow that, right?
[The worst part is that Vash doesn't need Nick to say it out loud. He knows it's a shot in the dark. But even if their actions had been solely to stir trouble, their honesty has earned a level of trust within the Independent. Not more than Nick, certainly not.
If Wolfwood asked, if he said not to trust them, Vash would gladly listen. How could he not, considering everything else.
The mere reminder prompts Vash to clutch at his lover's hand. And when one of his own simply isn't enough, he sandwiches Wolfwood between two. It's a gesture that borders on clinging, and that only grows when Wolfwood speaks.]
I wouldn't be either. But - [He sniffs, a noise verging dangerously on wet.] If we have a choice, then Livio can go back with you. He can keep you and Hopeland safe. You won't have to be afraid, you won't have to worry about working for the Eye or chasing me around just to keep them safe.
Maybe... maybe we kill two birds with one stone.
[A future not just for JuLai, but for his partners as well. One where they both live, safe and protected by one another. He'd gladly sacrifice his own happiness for that.
But isn't that just running away? His resolve wavers, and his expression falters.]
[It doesn't feel right, in the end. To leave Vash behind, and to go home, just him and Livio. Because...he knows the outcome, even if it could mean saving JuLai by virtue of Vash not being there. Vash not being there means that Nai will have the means with which to run completely rampant, unchallenged by anyone on the planet. None could oppose him, and though he might not be able to realize his true plans without Vash present...Wolfwood has no doubt he'd come up with something new.
Something terrible.
His brow furrows, just a touch, as Vash grips at his hand. The best he can do is hold it back, his fingers curling against the other's.]
Honestly, Vash? I can't answer that. I really dunno.
[Maybe it is a mistake. Maybe it isn't. Maybe doing this would save the world. Maybe it wouldn't. He doesn't have the answers, as much as he wishes he did.]
What you're wantin' t'do...I don't think it's wrong. You're tryin' to save people, just like you always have been. But even if we know the future, it just...
[There's no way of knowing how things will go. He knows taking Vash out of the picture would undoubtedly change things, but how...?]
[Vash has the same doubts, the same fears. Zazie said they would help, but who could really keep an eye on them. It was just as likely that they would work with their old self and create something even worse for the Planet. Two heads of a hivemind surely wouldn't be good for No Man's Land.
The acknowledgement, at least, that Vash isn't doing wrong is comforting. Wolfwood isn't necessarily angry at him. He's trying, at the very least, to see his side. And considering everything, maybe that would have to be enough.
Vash lets out a sigh. Though he'd only just barely managed to get his emotions in check, a stray tear streaks down his cheek once again. He doesn't tear his hands away from Wolfwood to wipe at it. Instead, he draws in a deep, unsteady breath.]
Maybe... we don't need to make that gamble yet. [It's another form of running, putting this future off. And yet...] We don't know what's gonna happen. And we're nowhere near needin' to make that choice. Maybe we put a pin in it for now and... just focus on here.
[Ultimately, neither of them could know what the future held within the Grove. At any point, something could shift. Trying to plan out the future of one world was hard enough, but they were at the whims of two]
[Well good news, Wolfwood has a free hand where Vash does not, and he isn't just going to make him sit there like that. He'll reach up and use the edge of his hand to wipe his cheek for him, wishing there was more he could do to alleviate them. He doesn't have the words that are going to make Vash feel better about...any of this. The reality of their situation just sucks that much. He always knew that things weren't ever going to be easy, but never did he imagine they'd get this hard.
If anything, it isn't Vash he's angry at. It's everything else that's put them in this situation. It's fucking Nai, the main problem they're fighting at present.
Regardless, he's a bit surprised when Vash concedes to letting the issue just...be, for the time being. He's right though. It's not like they can do anything like that now. Leaving the Grove isn't yet an option for anyone, and while Wolfwood would be lying if he said he liked the idea of Vash staying behind, it is...at least, not a problem they have to face right away.
Just focus on here. That's something he can get behind.]
Yeah. No point in givin' yourself grey hairs already, right?
[He gives Vash's cheek a playful little pinch where he was wiping it off, then lets go so he can place his hand overtop one of Vash's still gripping his other hand.]
No matter what ends up happenin', I'll be here for it. At least that much I can promise.
[And what do you know, it makes him laugh. A sad little thing, bogged down by every ounce of grief and fear he has for their future, but at least it's a laugh. He's trying. He has to try. Time with Wolfwood was so precious now, considering just how limited it was. Whether it be his impending death, or Vash's own decision to stay behind, there was a finite amount of moments to be shared between them.
So how could he let any of it be tainted by his grief.
His expression wobbles dangerously at the mere thought, close to breaking down once more. He does his best to swallow it all. It's counterproductive to run from his feelings, sure, but... what else was he meant to do?]
I know you will. And I'll always be right by your side. [He leans forward, kissing the top of Wolfwood's hand.] Yours and Liv's, for that matter.
[This is better. Sharing breath with Wolfwood, feeling his warmth. He doesn't need an intimate embrace. He just needs to know that he's there. Alive, even if only for this moment. Everything else could, would have to wait.]
I think I'll get there. Especially if you're right here with me.
[No grandiose promises, or anything like that. He wants to hope this will be the last fight, the last time they run away from each other. Knowing his track record, though, he won't risk an actual vow.]
[Wolfwood isn't even thinking that far into the future, himself. He's come to realize that there's no point in trying. Maybe it's because he knows far more about the future than he ever actually wanted to, but...that's something he'll have to ask himself some other time. Right now, he just wants to focus on Vash.
Vash, who he's leaning in towards so he can press his lips to the bridge of his nose.]
Hope you don't mind, but...I don't really wanna leave this room tonight.
[Judging by the soft, almost shy smile, it's not a lie. In fact, he immediately throws himself into getting comfortable. He wiggles into bed and, with an eventual sigh, opens his arms up wide to Wolfwood.]
C'mere?
[If Wolfwood isn't ready, that's fine. But Vash is pretty sure he's read the signs right, and that this is a perfectly fine line to now step across.]
[Oh, no. He is. He meant what he said: he doesn't want to be anywhere else.
It's almost funny, the way Wolfwood less comes over and more falls over into Vash's arms, just flopping over into them like an exhausted dog. He even sighs heavily like one, his head dropping against Vash's collarbone so he can just hide there for the foreseeable future.
But if he were a dog, and he had a tail, it would be wagging.]
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[He shrugs. If Wolfwood wanted to push back, to insist that he wouldn't stop, Vash wouldn't fight it. He feels uneasy, asking for things for himself. It's for his own good, and that feels wrong somehow. The narrative that he didn't deserve such good things went deep.]
And you shouldn't hesitate to tell me when I'm not getting something through my head, either. I know I shouldn't rely on you but... I need you, Nick. You're the best thing that happened to me in more than one way. You're not wrong when you say I probably wouldn't be alive without you.
[Which is... as good of a segue as he's going to get. His expression, briefly relieved at Wolfwood's agreement, sobers once more. Unlike his partner, he's still half hunched over the bed, making it easy to stare down at the ground, rather than looking up.]
I'm going to do my best to not run off and get banged up going forward. I know I keep saying that but... I'm trying. It's hard, and I won't pretend that it's not, but it only ever hurts us when I do.
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Wolfwood's expression sobers a little. And for a moment, he looks...touched, genuinely, hearing Vash say that. It's kindof a huge deal for him to hear, given that he's done nothing back home but direct Vash right into the lion's den.]
I...need you too. You make me a better person, even if I'm still managing to fumble shit anyway.
[But he's trying, and Vash has acknowledged this. Which ends up leading into...
Wolfwood sits forward off the wall just a fraction, turning his head a little to try to look at Vash's face. He might not be able to look at him directly, but this is good enough for the time being.]
...Thank you, Vash. Seriously. Like, I know I sound like a hardass and a broken record, 'specially since...I know that ain't always somethin' you can help. But I...
[And now he sits back again, looking at his empty open hand in his lap next to the one still clutching his bottle of Bride.]
I worry about you. And every time you leave like that...I worry it's gonna be the last time I ever see you.
....'specially now.
[Knowing what they know. Knowing that his time on this earth is now cut extremely short.]
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[He's testing the water here, making sure that a first name basis is acceptable. Maybe he'd gone a little far, calling him Wolfwood when they'd last been together, but at the time keeping a careful distance was the only thing he could do to keep himself together.]
The point is, at least one of us has gotten better. And I don't think it's the guy running off to cause problems for himself.
[Likewise, Vash glances at that hand. His own twitches, thinking about reaching out. Instead, he keeps it firmly at his side. Even if they're doing better, he thinks about the way Wolfwood had denied him that same comfort a few days prior. He doesn't know if he can quite handle that same rejection again.
Instead, he folds them together in his lap. It's a fitful gesture, one that adjusts itself repeatedly. It isn't ideal.]
I can't imagine how it feels. It's... a big reason why I came back the other day. I wanted to run. I was so... upset and bitter but... if anything happened, I didn't want that to be it. If I only have a short time left with you, I want to make the best of it.
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Well sure, but…I didn’t exactly give you a reason to wanna stick around.
[It’s not like Vash running was unjustified. Wolfwood was…doing as he does. He was getting upset, raising his voice, and he’d just broken up with Vash more or less. Who would want to just sit there after that?
He gets it. And now that Vash is here, openly acknowledging it, promising to try to be better?
Wolfwood decides to make good on his own promise.
Even if Vash is too nervous to make the first move, Wolfwood- ever prompt and straightforward- will simply reach out and lays his own hand overtop one of Vash’s, tugging at it gently to try to peel them apart. To try to hold his hand, properly.]
…m’sorry I hurt you. More than anythin’ else.
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Nick -
[All at once, it's too much to bear. He feels those calluses against his skin, stares at the stubble of his face and realizes just how much he's going to lose. He's wept for hours over the lives in JuLai, but somehow this single life felt like it would be the death of him.]
You don't - I-I mean it's not just -
[He can't figure out the words. Even if he could, the lump in his throat is making it too hard to speak. Instead, he uses the hand he has a hold of currently to pull Wolfwood forward. Maybe it's too far, too fast, but he doesn't care. He wraps his arms tight around the man, burying his face against his shoulder. He re-memorizes the smell of tobacco against the fabric of his clothes as he tries and fails to will himself not to begin weeping.]
've been... such an idiot.
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Whatever gap was there, the gulf yawning wide and imposing, is crossed in a single motion, and...if Wolfwood wanted to stop it, he easily could. But he doesn't, because he doesn't want to. More than anything, this is how he wants Vash: close, in his arms, and by his side just like he was always meant to be.
If Vash had shied away from Wolfwood taking his flesh hand, he wouldn't have stopped it. It just felt...wrong, especially right now, to go for the hand that wouldn't be able to feel his touch as directly. And- God- the way Vash just falls apart is enough to break Wolfwood's heart.
And it isn't like he's made of stone. He's been fucking miserable for weeks now, and the closeness is like a soothing balm over a burn. Vash clutches him in a full-on, desperate embrace, and Wolfwood takes a moment to set the bottle aside somewhere it won't spill so he can return it. He has to be careful of his wings, but he manages to find someplace to put his right hand between them while his left reaches up to cradle the back of Vash's head, his fingers carding through the shorter hair there.]
No, you ain't. [He rumbles, pressing his lips to the crown of Vash's head.] S'gonna be okay. Yeah?
[He holds him a little tighter, a little closer. Vash might as well be in his lap, at this point. And as he cries, Wolfwood won't stop him. He'll just hold and let him, especially when he can feel unshed tears welling up in his own eyes, threatening to spill over when he blinks.]
I love you, okay?
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Once upon a time, it would have strengthened his resolve. If he could shed himself of Wolfwood's presence, maybe he'd have a chance at life. But they're both too wrapped up within themselves now. Both here and back home, they've painted targets on one another.
And he doubts either of them would change it.]
I love you, so much. [He sniffles, wet and wibbling.] Jeez, shouldn't be cryin' all over you when...
[He leaves the rest unsaid. They both know what he's thinking, though. It doesn't feel right to weep when Wolfwood has so much more to fear.]
'm sorry I'm like this.
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He draws back a fraction and tilts his head, not to pull away, but to look Vash in the eyes. His expression is excessively fond as he takes his glasses off for him and sets them aside with the bottle, returning to brush his bangs off his forehead.]
I fell in love with the guy who is exactly like this, actually.
[And he punctuates that with a kiss, slow and careful, to prove to Vash that there’s no more “too much” or “too fast”. The break is done, sealed with the taste of sugar mingling with liquor and nicotine.
When he breaks the kiss this time, it isn’t to go far, their lips still brushing as he rests their foreheads together.]
Don’t you go changin’ on me, got it?
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He's missed it terribly.
Like Wolfwood, Vash doesn't go far when the kiss ends. He adds to it, instead, tracing the thumb of his prosthetic against Wolfwood's jaw. He can't feel the stubble there, but he can pretend. It fills him with the same fondness either way.]
Maybe I can change a little. For the better. [He laughs faintly, before losing the urge to do so. This time, his gaze drops to the floor.] But maybe before we get too excited, we should talk about what comes next.
[When he'd last left Wolfwood, he'd said he wasn't coming back to no Man's Land. Though recent discoveries might have cast a shadow into that future, it sitll seems his best way forward.]
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Still, he does find himself leaning into the touch of Vash's hand regardless, the cool metal of his prosthetic soothing against his skin. The way Vash starts to laugh and lets it trail off is...sad, because he can tell that Vash is still so deeply sad. He is far, far from okay, even if this little break in the strife between them has done something to alleviate that.
Wolfwood exhales slowly, his expression softening back into something a little more somber, still looking back at Vash directly despite knowing he probably isn't going to have an easy time with the next part of their conversation.]
What comes next...right. Well...m'here to listen now, whatever it is.
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In any case, he has something else to focus on. He toys with the fabric of his pants for a long moment, before finally turning his attention back to Wolfwood. He takes a deep breath, holds it for a few seconds, before finally letting himself speak.]
I... don't know if can go back with you. If we wind up being given a choice, then... [He makes a small motion with his hands, before lifting them to bury his face within them. He wants to go, if only because it's extra time to be with Wolfwood. Extra time to help. But at the same time...] Zazie says they'll go for me. That they'll convince themself to not stand with Nai. Take care of... what needs to be done. And maybe if I'm not there, there will be less reason for JuLai to get destroyed.
At least, that's what I thought was the perfect plan. Now I don't know...
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He doesn't want to tell Vash that he doesn't trust Zazie. He knows his perception of them is skewed because he's only known them as they've been a lackey for Knives his entire life. A spy on the wall, a constant itch in the back of his brain. Zazie does not care for Vash, or humanity as he knows it. They only care about one thing, and that's being on the winning team. The preservation of their planet, by any means necessary. So hearing that Zazie is going to...convince themselves to go against Nai? It seems unreal. A shot in the dark, more than anything.
Another heavy breath leaves him as his thumbs brush over the back of Vash's knuckles. His flesh-and-blood. Without even saying it, Vash probably knows what Wolfwood's answer would be, if he could go home. He has to. He has to...he can't abandon Hopeland, even if it means walking into his own grave, now.
His throat flexes as he swallows, hating the emotion that immediately creeps into him. It makes his eyes feel heavy, and his chest ache.]
I ain't gonna be the same person without you. Yaknow that, right?
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If Wolfwood asked, if he said not to trust them, Vash would gladly listen. How could he not, considering everything else.
The mere reminder prompts Vash to clutch at his lover's hand. And when one of his own simply isn't enough, he sandwiches Wolfwood between two. It's a gesture that borders on clinging, and that only grows when Wolfwood speaks.]
I wouldn't be either. But - [He sniffs, a noise verging dangerously on wet.] If we have a choice, then Livio can go back with you. He can keep you and Hopeland safe. You won't have to be afraid, you won't have to worry about working for the Eye or chasing me around just to keep them safe.
Maybe... maybe we kill two birds with one stone.
[A future not just for JuLai, but for his partners as well. One where they both live, safe and protected by one another. He'd gladly sacrifice his own happiness for that.
But isn't that just running away? His resolve wavers, and his expression falters.]
I'm screwin' up again, aren't I?
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Something terrible.
His brow furrows, just a touch, as Vash grips at his hand. The best he can do is hold it back, his fingers curling against the other's.]
Honestly, Vash? I can't answer that. I really dunno.
[Maybe it is a mistake. Maybe it isn't. Maybe doing this would save the world. Maybe it wouldn't. He doesn't have the answers, as much as he wishes he did.]
What you're wantin' t'do...I don't think it's wrong. You're tryin' to save people, just like you always have been. But even if we know the future, it just...
[There's no way of knowing how things will go. He knows taking Vash out of the picture would undoubtedly change things, but how...?]
It's always gonna be a gamble, no matter what.
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The acknowledgement, at least, that Vash isn't doing wrong is comforting. Wolfwood isn't necessarily angry at him. He's trying, at the very least, to see his side. And considering everything, maybe that would have to be enough.
Vash lets out a sigh. Though he'd only just barely managed to get his emotions in check, a stray tear streaks down his cheek once again. He doesn't tear his hands away from Wolfwood to wipe at it. Instead, he draws in a deep, unsteady breath.]
Maybe... we don't need to make that gamble yet. [It's another form of running, putting this future off. And yet...] We don't know what's gonna happen. And we're nowhere near needin' to make that choice. Maybe we put a pin in it for now and... just focus on here.
[Ultimately, neither of them could know what the future held within the Grove. At any point, something could shift. Trying to plan out the future of one world was hard enough, but they were at the whims of two]
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If anything, it isn't Vash he's angry at. It's everything else that's put them in this situation. It's fucking Nai, the main problem they're fighting at present.
Regardless, he's a bit surprised when Vash concedes to letting the issue just...be, for the time being. He's right though. It's not like they can do anything like that now. Leaving the Grove isn't yet an option for anyone, and while Wolfwood would be lying if he said he liked the idea of Vash staying behind, it is...at least, not a problem they have to face right away.
Just focus on here. That's something he can get behind.]
Yeah. No point in givin' yourself grey hairs already, right?
[He gives Vash's cheek a playful little pinch where he was wiping it off, then lets go so he can place his hand overtop one of Vash's still gripping his other hand.]
No matter what ends up happenin', I'll be here for it. At least that much I can promise.
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So how could he let any of it be tainted by his grief.
His expression wobbles dangerously at the mere thought, close to breaking down once more. He does his best to swallow it all. It's counterproductive to run from his feelings, sure, but... what else was he meant to do?]
I know you will. And I'll always be right by your side. [He leans forward, kissing the top of Wolfwood's hand.] Yours and Liv's, for that matter.
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[Like, whether or not Vash fully realizes it, he's cemented himself as a fixture for both of them at this point. No getting around that.
The kiss prompts a slight smile from him, a little bit sad in its own right, as he leans their heads together again.]
I doubt you're feelin' a whole lot better, but. I hope you are, just a little.
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I think I'll get there. Especially if you're right here with me.
[No grandiose promises, or anything like that. He wants to hope this will be the last fight, the last time they run away from each other. Knowing his track record, though, he won't risk an actual vow.]
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[Wolfwood isn't even thinking that far into the future, himself. He's come to realize that there's no point in trying. Maybe it's because he knows far more about the future than he ever actually wanted to, but...that's something he'll have to ask himself some other time. Right now, he just wants to focus on Vash.
Vash, who he's leaning in towards so he can press his lips to the bridge of his nose.]
Hope you don't mind, but...I don't really wanna leave this room tonight.
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[Judging by the soft, almost shy smile, it's not a lie. In fact, he immediately throws himself into getting comfortable. He wiggles into bed and, with an eventual sigh, opens his arms up wide to Wolfwood.]
C'mere?
[If Wolfwood isn't ready, that's fine. But Vash is pretty sure he's read the signs right, and that this is a perfectly fine line to now step across.]
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It's almost funny, the way Wolfwood less comes over and more falls over into Vash's arms, just flopping over into them like an exhausted dog. He even sighs heavily like one, his head dropping against Vash's collarbone so he can just hide there for the foreseeable future.
But if he were a dog, and he had a tail, it would be wagging.]