[Pure Vnailla truly is a saint among men. Vash's shoulders sag in relief as they carefully make their way outside and find a place to settle down. It's still somewhat public, but they're tucked away enough that Vash doesn't feel the least bit uneasy about continuing to remain open like this. Or at least... not as uneasy as he already feels. It's hard baring his heart when he feels he doesn't deserve such sympathies, but he's doing his best.]
Picked the best guy for the job. [He loves you, Rusty.
In any case, this time when the offer is extended to him, rather than being taken without the chance to think, he hesitates. He opens his mouth to protest but... the whole point of him being her is to let it all out, isn't it? He can't get better if he doesn't allow himself that kindness. So once again, he sinks himself into the embrace. The squeeze is a little less tight and desperate, but only because of the earlier release. He isn't shaking near as bad either. It's the little things.]
Wish I knew where to start. The last few weeks have... [Well. They've really sucked for him. He's sure Pure Vanilla has noticed his absence, and it won't be long until he picks up the signs of physical damage. He's missing a decent chunk of his wing now, after all.]
[ The hesitation doesn't bother him, the offer is there nonetheless, and he smiles a little as Vash decides to take it. Holds the other down against him, squeezes him gently and goes back to rubbing his hands soothingly along the others back. Shifts himself around a little so Vash can lean on him better.
And oh, he's noticed the wing. He's also noticed the lightened touches of corruption. Vash either got Zahliya'd or he was in the rain as well. He sighs softly to the start and nods, rubbing a horn gently against Vash's head. ]
Been "wild". [ To put a bit of levity on the situation. ] Start with the now, my dear. How are you feeling now?
[ Though he doesn't really need Vash to tell him; even though the trembling isn't as bad, he still is. The man is on the edge. ]
[On the list of things he didn't think would have been comforting? Gentle horn rubs. Honestly, any kind of content probably would have done it for him, but he really appreciates the gentleness that comes from what could have easily been a brusque gesture. It's just another thing to admire about Pure Vanilla — even his sharp edges could be utilized for grace and kindness.]
Now? [He glances up, then quickly back down at the ground. There are some very distracting blades of grass down there, thank you.]
Miserable, honest. I mean - better, now that you're here but...
[He takes a deep breath, and somehow that's his downfall. It's the straw that broke the dam or whatever, and suddenly it all comes pouring out.]
I think Nick and I broke up. I know we always fight but he's never been this explicit about it. He wants a break because I said I can't trust him anymore, and I can't! He didn't tell me that Zazie told him that JuLai would be destroyed. That I destroyed JuLai. That I killed millions of people. I know he was just trying to protect me but - but if he never told me, I would have never known and just... gone back there. People would have died anyway, right? And this is on top of the fact that I feel like I can't even touch him, because I'm so scared I'm going to make him into a monster like me. Livio, too, but at least he and I have barely even kissed, y'know? And - and -
[He makes an absolutely pitiful, and perhaps even borderline comedic, keening sound, before he hangs his head.]
[ And Vanilla listens. Holds the man and lets him unburden his heart, his ears twisted towards him, his hands working still to softly pet. Coaxing him to get it all out, until he finally all but wails like that.
Gently he presses a hand into the back of Vash's head, holds him down into his shoulder. Works his fingers against the soft fuzz there, rubbing gently in comfort. ]
I do. Of course I do. My letter didn't lie, my dear. I love you [ And he says it so easily ] and am here for you. However you may need me.
[ He'll fall silent as he holds Vash, letting the other man breathe for a moment as he processes everything Vash told him. ]
I understand you both. Wolfwood's attempts to keep such pain from you was from love. When you love someone so much, when they're the parts of your heart you always felt missing, you desire nothing but to keep the ugly truth from them. Because you can't see them pained, can't bare to have them burdened by it as you are.
[ And he understands because he's been there, the tone of his voice says. He's been Wolfwood, holding the truth away so as to not drag his loved one's down. He sighs softly. ]
Those of us who love like that forget that it's not solely our decision to make. And of course your trust is injured, but I do not think it is broken. Tempers are high and pain is deep. You have a right to be angry [ Dark Cacao and Hollyberry, livid and rightfully calling him out ], and both of you are hurting the other because you hurt. The bond between you is not broken, and can be repaired. Also-
[ He pulls back to move his hands to Vash's face, cup his cheeks to stroke against them gently. ]
- you are not a monster. You will never be a monster, for your form does not make you a monster. It is what lays at your heart that makes you who you are. If you were a monster, my love, you would not be in this much pain.
[Those words are poison as much as they are a balm. He nearly shies away, nearly protests that he, of all people, does not deserve love. But he can't even manage to get the words out. They stick within his throat, rendering him silence for once in his damn life. It lasts just long enough for Pure Vanilla to say something else, to take his mind away.]
Nothing feels like it'll be right again. I don't - know how I'm supposed to keep moving when everything I stood for, every promise I've made to never kill again, is broken.
[Pure Vanilla insists that he's not a monster, and it's that that makes him recoil. There's one part shock, one part anger there.]
How can you say that, knowing what I did? So many people lived in that city. Children lived there. And I -
[He tries to draw his arms back, to dig his nails into his hair and scrape against his scalp.]
It doesn't matter if I feel regret. I still did it.
[ No. Vanilla won't let him. As Vash tries to draw back, Vanilla shifts his hold. Captures two of those hands, holds them tight. ]
No. Listen to me, please, my dear. Look at me. A monster is someone who deliberately hurts. Who feels nothing for the lives they take, or even joy. The thing in the forest is a monster. It laughs at the pain it sheds, it enjoys it.
[ He lets go of one hand so he can raise his, tidy Vash's bangs gently, sweep them from his face. ]
A monster doesn't cry over the lives taken. A monsters heart doesn't break for the future, doesn't tear themselves apart over the what if's.
[ A light touch to Vash's cheekbone with his thumb, as if wiping away tears. ]
Doesn't cry. I do not believe for a second you deliberately took lives. I do not believe for a second that in the future, you do not try your best to minimize casualties. You are not a monster, Vash. You're as human as any of us are. [ Plant, Minotaur, doesn't matter. ] And the future is never set in stone. It can be changed.
[He shakes his head, perhaps accidentally jostling the hand against his hair, against his cheek. He knows what Pure Vanilla is trying to say. Anyone with a heart as warm as his would want to offer forgiveness. Wasn't that the reason why Vash had fallen for him so hard? The love he had to give others, no matter what they had done. It was admirable, when it wasn't directed at him.
But each word meant to comfort only feels like a whip of thorns. He winces and crumbles beneath each lash, shaking his head gently at first, then nearly violently. Though he had stopped moving away when Pure Vanilla had first latched on, he tugs just the slightest bit more firmly against his can.]
Please. Stop. You can't - say that to me.
[And he knows... he knows exactly what Pure Vanilla will say in kind. That he still deserves love and kindness, despite it all. Again, it's the same thing Vash would say? But it being reflected back at him?]
Please don't. I don't want to be forgiven. I don't want to be told it's okay -
[ And when Vash tugs more firmly, Pure Vanilla will let go. He won't hold him against his will, won't force him to stop, but he won't stop talking. And Vash is right, everyone deserves love, and Vanilla would say it, if he wasn't confused.
So he let's Vash pull back, tucks his hands into his lap instead and turns his head. Tilts it a little, giving Vash some 'privacy' despite not being able to see him with his eyes anyways. ]
Why not?
[ His voice is soft as he asks but he feels he must. He wants to understand Vash and where this self-loathing comes from. This utter denial that he's worth any love or tenderness. ]
Why will you not allow yourself to accept love? Forgiveness? Why are you so intent on seeing yourself as a Monster?
[Vash makes a face. Putting this sort of thing into words isn't easy. He knows Pure Vanilla is trying, but he also knows that there's only so much he can do. This isn't just Vash being stubborn in this case. Love is one thing. He might still struggle with it, but he's coming around the concept. Forgiveness... is an entirely different minefield.]
You just - [He shakes his head once. His mouth opens, then closes. He knows what he wants to convey, he just has to figure out a way to do it without hurting.] It's not your place to forgive me. You weren't there. You didn't have loved ones there. Maybe I'm not a monster, maybe it's not my fault but... you can't be the one to determine that.
[With the words out, Vash hangs his head. He feels guilty even denying Pure Vanilla this, but it's all so... complicated.]
[ Oh. He reaches out again to take one of Vash's hands. Squeezes it gently, folds his fingers with his, and rubs a thumb over his knuckles in a soft pet. ]
I understand.
[ And he does. He gets it. ]
I won't offer forgiveness, because you're right. I am not a part of that, I had no friends or family there. I cannot offer you it, but I hope you offer it to yourself. But... I can offer you understanding. I know the feeling of guilt that eats away at you, the idea of all those lives you feel are on your hands. I know what it is like to have nightmares of them blaming you, of failing lives you wanted so badly to protect.
[ He shakes his head a little, tightens his hold just a little. ]
[This time, Vash doesn't shy away. He squeezes the hand back, then sandwiches it between the other. For a moment, it almost seems like he's clinging, desperatefor a lifeline. He should have known Pure Vanilla would understand but...
As always, it's so hard to speak about himself.]
I never even met them, is the worst part. I haven't been to JuLai in years. But I still feel their loss. [He squeezes his eyes tightly shut.] I... have a plan. But it might mean that I don't get to go home. And I know that Wolfwood will want to.
[His head shakes a few times.]
It feels like there's no winning. Like there's no hope.
[ That kind of makes him want to laugh. Wasn't he himself scolded quite loudly over his desire to remain behind if it meant closing the gate? Now here's Vash, and Pure Vanilla knows he means to take himself out of the equation so that this city of his doesn't get destroyed.
If he's not around, it won't happen.
It does make him smile sadly, because the man follows the same path he does when it comes to considering things others want over themselves. ]
It does sometimes feel like that, doesn't it? Times when that tiny voice in your head asks you why you bother, when everything you touch ends in failure anyways. [ Silly-vanilly, a half Cookie, useless, failed your friends, your people, and still failing. ] But Hope is not such a tiny, fragile thing, that it ceases to exist in those moments. Even if you cannot see the Light of it, it shines there. It's in the dirt under your nails when you cling the hardest, it's in the grit of your teeth, the beat of your heart.
[ He squeezes his hand again. ]
Hope is you fighting still. Making plans still. You are Hope, so it is no wonder sometimes you lost sight of it. When was the last time you have looked upon yourself without despair?
[vash knows it to be true. Even as he despairs, he hasn't given up. He knows there has to be a way through, without death and without fighting. If it meant removing himself from the picture by staying behind, then that was simply the way of it.
Still, when Pure Vanilla sks his question, he can't help but stare in stunned silence. What is he supposed to say to that, when they both know the answer wouldn't be anything pleasant. In fact, he can't help but offer a wry, humorless grin.]
Think we both know the answer to that. [He lets out a low sigh.] Can't remember I was able to look in the mirror without feeling that way.
[ And Vash gets back a wry look of Vanilla's own, because yeah, he thought so. He turns more towards the other and folds his second hand over the one sandwiching his, squeezes both. ]
I know. And all I can offer is the advice that if you can't see it in yourself, see it in others. And know, though it will be hard, they see it in you as well. I have Hope for you, Vash. I see it in you. I know you will figure something out for your city, for those people. And I know-
[ He raises his hand again and lights it on Vash's face, cupping the curve of his jaw gently. ]
-you will figure things out between you and Wolfwood. It's going to uh- ah- as some would say "really blow"? But sitting down and talking it out with all your heart is what will help the most.
[ Which means no running, no keeping your feelings locked up, no refusing something on the spot. Vanilla isn't sure how hard that'll be for both of them, both men are incredibly similar in their stubbornness, in various ways. They might both benefit from speaking with Cacao. He slides his hand up again and fixes Vash's hair once more. Boy you need a haircut. ]
[Without hesitating, Vash leans into that hand, hard as he can. He's a bit like a cat with the way he nuzzles in, appreciating a gentle touch after the harshness he's exposed his poor body to. Some part of him still bellows that he doesn't deserve this, but he keeps it tamped down for the time being.
He might have been content to sit like that, if not for Pure Vanilla's... unique choice of wording. It makes him grin despite everything, a breathy little laugh leaving him along the way.]
I know it will. And I'm ready to do it. And do what's necessary but... [He sighs against the skin of Pure Vanilla's palm.] He's the one who asked for a break. It's his call when we talk again.
[ The grin and the little laugh is like a balm. It's so good to hear it and see it again. He strokes his thumb softly against Vash's skin, nodding lightly. The sigh tickles a little and his fingers flex. ]
I am sure it won't be long. Time to cool down, to rethink words and approaches. Relationships will always have ups and downs, but so long as there is genuine love between the two of you - and I know that there is [ Wolfwood died and Vash ran off into the forest for crying out loud ] - you will work it out.
[ And frankly, he thinks Livio might shake them both gently to help. ]
I hope my words have helped, even if only a bit. Trust in your light, Vash, it's more beautiful than you think.
[ Vash's soul is gorgeous, even despite the amount of self-loathing that attempts to color it. ]
[Not unlike a cat, Vash leans into the touch. A sigh leaves him, deep and contented. Now that he's let his grievances out he... doesn't feel better, but at least a bit lighter. There's still so much hanging over him, so much that could go wrong. But not bottling it up, not sitting with the deep ache in his chest? There was something to be said about the relief that came with it.]
You really know just what to say, huh?
[He doesn't know if he believes in all of that, that his soul is beautiful. It's more likely that Pure Vanilla is simply trying to comfort him. Except... that isn't very fair either. He's not the type to lie. Kind as he is, he's also been extremely honest with Vash.
It's an interesting, if uncomfortable, thing to sit with and turn over within his head. But maybe... there's a little comfort to be found there.]
[ Vanilla has only peeked, curious. And it's alien to him, but beautiful, and riddled with self-doubt. Which makes it so very human it's heartbreaking.
How this man can ever think of himself as a Monster befuddles the former Cookie.
The way Vash sinks into his touch makes him smile and he strokes his fingers gently along, lightly petting. Then gently moves his other hand to cup the other cheek. Gently guide Vash's face down to press a soft kiss to his forehead. ]
I am always here when you need me, Vash. For whatever reason you may have. Even if you think it's inconsequential.
[ And he will never judge. He smiles and squeezes the other's cheeks gently before letting go, and picking up the Blondie Cookie doll again. ]
And sometimes, even if it's too something that cannot reply back, simply talking out loud does wonders.
[Vash closes his eyes once more, basking in that gentle embrace. He... probably shouldn't think too hard about how those lips feel against his forehead. No, definitely not. Better to focus on the little plush being pressed into his hands. He laughs just a little guiltily as his eyes open once more, before pulling the plush close to him yet again.]
Sorry, little guy. Didn't mean to let you go.
[The honesty offered is refreshing. Even Pure Vanilla had his limits, and admitting as much feels like a comfort. Not everyone could be a hero all the time.]
I'll try to keep that in mind. Wish I could promise more but... 'm sure you get it.
[ A small little quirk of his lips as he responds. Yea, he gets it. He scoots a little in closer again, so he's sitting side by side with Vash, and sneaks an arm around him. Squeeze the man against his side, lean his head in against Vash's shoulder. ]
Also may I offer? If ever you simply need a space, you are free to come here.
[ To this little bench amidst the trees. The Cookie house may be near by, and the School as well, but there's enough foliage here to private a surprising bit of privacy. For when someone simply needs to close their eyes and listen to the birds, to the bugs, to the wind. ]
[He only sought out comfort in this moment because he reached a breaking point. It's hard to say if he'll be able to will himself to do the same again next time. But maybe if he keeps trying. He's been focused on improving himself, hasn't he? Maybe it's more likely than he thinks.]
Maybe even just sitting outside would be nice.
[He doesn't have to come seeking Pure Vanilla out. Maybe just sitting down, away from it all, might help. Running away, but without all of the danger.]
Thanks for lookin' out for me. You're... [Despite it all, his heart thumps a little unevenly.] Once things are cleared up with Nick and I. You and I should talk.
[ He would argue it's less running away and more clearing of the mind. He smiles, letting the eye of his Staff close to just enjoy the other senses. The feeling of Vash against him, the sound of the world around them. And he can hear that little unevenness, his ears flicking gently.
And that gets a little rub of his horn against Vash's shoulder, a gentle touch. ]
Of course, my dear. You know where to find me, whenever you desire me.
[ That most certainly doesn't have any double meaning to it, nope, none what so ever. ]
Until then, may I make a request? Sit with me here, just a little while longer?
[He probably shouldn't let his heart skip a beat at those words. It shouldn't flood him with such warmth when he already feels so hollowed out. But here he is, clutching desperately at the first positive thing he's felt in days. The barest hope that Pure Vanilla might actually feel something for him, even after all he's learned, is at least enough to keep going.
If someone as pure as the former Cookie could find the faintest flicker of something to be redeemed in Vash, then maybe he really wasn't as bad as he made himself out to be.
He'll ponder that much more later. For now, he nods and allows himself to relax all the further in Pure Vanilla's embrace.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Picked the best guy for the job. [He loves you, Rusty.
In any case, this time when the offer is extended to him, rather than being taken without the chance to think, he hesitates. He opens his mouth to protest but... the whole point of him being her is to let it all out, isn't it? He can't get better if he doesn't allow himself that kindness. So once again, he sinks himself into the embrace. The squeeze is a little less tight and desperate, but only because of the earlier release. He isn't shaking near as bad either. It's the little things.]
Wish I knew where to start. The last few weeks have... [Well. They've really sucked for him. He's sure Pure Vanilla has noticed his absence, and it won't be long until he picks up the signs of physical damage. He's missing a decent chunk of his wing now, after all.]
no subject
And oh, he's noticed the wing. He's also noticed the lightened touches of corruption. Vash either got Zahliya'd or he was in the rain as well. He sighs softly to the start and nods, rubbing a horn gently against Vash's head. ]
Been "wild". [ To put a bit of levity on the situation. ] Start with the now, my dear. How are you feeling now?
[ Though he doesn't really need Vash to tell him; even though the trembling isn't as bad, he still is. The man is on the edge. ]
no subject
Now? [He glances up, then quickly back down at the ground. There are some very distracting blades of grass down there, thank you.]
Miserable, honest. I mean - better, now that you're here but...
[He takes a deep breath, and somehow that's his downfall. It's the straw that broke the dam or whatever, and suddenly it all comes pouring out.]
I think Nick and I broke up. I know we always fight but he's never been this explicit about it. He wants a break because I said I can't trust him anymore, and I can't! He didn't tell me that Zazie told him that JuLai would be destroyed. That I destroyed JuLai. That I killed millions of people. I know he was just trying to protect me but - but if he never told me, I would have never known and just... gone back there. People would have died anyway, right? And this is on top of the fact that I feel like I can't even touch him, because I'm so scared I'm going to make him into a monster like me. Livio, too, but at least he and I have barely even kissed, y'know? And - and -
[He makes an absolutely pitiful, and perhaps even borderline comedic, keening sound, before he hangs his head.]
And you probably don't even want to hear this.
no subject
Gently he presses a hand into the back of Vash's head, holds him down into his shoulder. Works his fingers against the soft fuzz there, rubbing gently in comfort. ]
I do. Of course I do. My letter didn't lie, my dear. I love you [ And he says it so easily ] and am here for you. However you may need me.
[ He'll fall silent as he holds Vash, letting the other man breathe for a moment as he processes everything Vash told him. ]
I understand you both. Wolfwood's attempts to keep such pain from you was from love. When you love someone so much, when they're the parts of your heart you always felt missing, you desire nothing but to keep the ugly truth from them. Because you can't see them pained, can't bare to have them burdened by it as you are.
[ And he understands because he's been there, the tone of his voice says. He's been Wolfwood, holding the truth away so as to not drag his loved one's down. He sighs softly. ]
Those of us who love like that forget that it's not solely our decision to make. And of course your trust is injured, but I do not think it is broken. Tempers are high and pain is deep. You have a right to be angry [ Dark Cacao and Hollyberry, livid and rightfully calling him out ], and both of you are hurting the other because you hurt. The bond between you is not broken, and can be repaired. Also-
[ He pulls back to move his hands to Vash's face, cup his cheeks to stroke against them gently. ]
- you are not a monster. You will never be a monster, for your form does not make you a monster. It is what lays at your heart that makes you who you are. If you were a monster, my love, you would not be in this much pain.
no subject
Nothing feels like it'll be right again. I don't - know how I'm supposed to keep moving when everything I stood for, every promise I've made to never kill again, is broken.
[Pure Vanilla insists that he's not a monster, and it's that that makes him recoil. There's one part shock, one part anger there.]
How can you say that, knowing what I did? So many people lived in that city. Children lived there. And I -
[He tries to draw his arms back, to dig his nails into his hair and scrape against his scalp.]
It doesn't matter if I feel regret. I still did it.
no subject
No. Listen to me, please, my dear. Look at me. A monster is someone who deliberately hurts. Who feels nothing for the lives they take, or even joy. The thing in the forest is a monster. It laughs at the pain it sheds, it enjoys it.
[ He lets go of one hand so he can raise his, tidy Vash's bangs gently, sweep them from his face. ]
A monster doesn't cry over the lives taken. A monsters heart doesn't break for the future, doesn't tear themselves apart over the what if's.
[ A light touch to Vash's cheekbone with his thumb, as if wiping away tears. ]
Doesn't cry. I do not believe for a second you deliberately took lives. I do not believe for a second that in the future, you do not try your best to minimize casualties. You are not a monster, Vash. You're as human as any of us are. [ Plant, Minotaur, doesn't matter. ] And the future is never set in stone. It can be changed.
no subject
But each word meant to comfort only feels like a whip of thorns. He winces and crumbles beneath each lash, shaking his head gently at first, then nearly violently. Though he had stopped moving away when Pure Vanilla had first latched on, he tugs just the slightest bit more firmly against his can.]
Please. Stop. You can't - say that to me.
[And he knows... he knows exactly what Pure Vanilla will say in kind. That he still deserves love and kindness, despite it all. Again, it's the same thing Vash would say? But it being reflected back at him?]
Please don't. I don't want to be forgiven. I don't want to be told it's okay -
no subject
So he let's Vash pull back, tucks his hands into his lap instead and turns his head. Tilts it a little, giving Vash some 'privacy' despite not being able to see him with his eyes anyways. ]
Why not?
[ His voice is soft as he asks but he feels he must. He wants to understand Vash and where this self-loathing comes from. This utter denial that he's worth any love or tenderness. ]
Why will you not allow yourself to accept love? Forgiveness? Why are you so intent on seeing yourself as a Monster?
no subject
You just - [He shakes his head once. His mouth opens, then closes. He knows what he wants to convey, he just has to figure out a way to do it without hurting.] It's not your place to forgive me. You weren't there. You didn't have loved ones there. Maybe I'm not a monster, maybe it's not my fault but... you can't be the one to determine that.
[With the words out, Vash hangs his head. He feels guilty even denying Pure Vanilla this, but it's all so... complicated.]
no subject
I understand.
[ And he does. He gets it. ]
I won't offer forgiveness, because you're right. I am not a part of that, I had no friends or family there. I cannot offer you it, but I hope you offer it to yourself. But... I can offer you understanding. I know the feeling of guilt that eats away at you, the idea of all those lives you feel are on your hands. I know what it is like to have nightmares of them blaming you, of failing lives you wanted so badly to protect.
[ He shakes his head a little, tightens his hold just a little. ]
no subject
As always, it's so hard to speak about himself.]
I never even met them, is the worst part. I haven't been to JuLai in years. But I still feel their loss. [He squeezes his eyes tightly shut.] I... have a plan. But it might mean that I don't get to go home. And I know that Wolfwood will want to.
[His head shakes a few times.]
It feels like there's no winning. Like there's no hope.
no subject
If he's not around, it won't happen.
It does make him smile sadly, because the man follows the same path he does when it comes to considering things others want over themselves. ]
It does sometimes feel like that, doesn't it? Times when that tiny voice in your head asks you why you bother, when everything you touch ends in failure anyways. [ Silly-vanilly, a half Cookie, useless, failed your friends, your people, and still failing. ] But Hope is not such a tiny, fragile thing, that it ceases to exist in those moments. Even if you cannot see the Light of it, it shines there. It's in the dirt under your nails when you cling the hardest, it's in the grit of your teeth, the beat of your heart.
[ He squeezes his hand again. ]
Hope is you fighting still. Making plans still. You are Hope, so it is no wonder sometimes you lost sight of it. When was the last time you have looked upon yourself without despair?
no subject
Still, when Pure Vanilla sks his question, he can't help but stare in stunned silence. What is he supposed to say to that, when they both know the answer wouldn't be anything pleasant. In fact, he can't help but offer a wry, humorless grin.]
Think we both know the answer to that. [He lets out a low sigh.] Can't remember I was able to look in the mirror without feeling that way.
no subject
I know. And all I can offer is the advice that if you can't see it in yourself, see it in others. And know, though it will be hard, they see it in you as well. I have Hope for you, Vash. I see it in you. I know you will figure something out for your city, for those people. And I know-
[ He raises his hand again and lights it on Vash's face, cupping the curve of his jaw gently. ]
-you will figure things out between you and Wolfwood. It's going to uh- ah- as some would say "really blow"? But sitting down and talking it out with all your heart is what will help the most.
[ Which means no running, no keeping your feelings locked up, no refusing something on the spot. Vanilla isn't sure how hard that'll be for both of them, both men are incredibly similar in their stubbornness, in various ways. They might both benefit from speaking with Cacao. He slides his hand up again and fixes Vash's hair once more. Boy you need a haircut. ]
no subject
He might have been content to sit like that, if not for Pure Vanilla's... unique choice of wording. It makes him grin despite everything, a breathy little laugh leaving him along the way.]
I know it will. And I'm ready to do it. And do what's necessary but... [He sighs against the skin of Pure Vanilla's palm.] He's the one who asked for a break. It's his call when we talk again.
no subject
I am sure it won't be long. Time to cool down, to rethink words and approaches. Relationships will always have ups and downs, but so long as there is genuine love between the two of you - and I know that there is [ Wolfwood died and Vash ran off into the forest for crying out loud ] - you will work it out.
[ And frankly, he thinks Livio might shake them both gently to help. ]
I hope my words have helped, even if only a bit. Trust in your light, Vash, it's more beautiful than you think.
[ Vash's soul is gorgeous, even despite the amount of self-loathing that attempts to color it. ]
no subject
You really know just what to say, huh?
[He doesn't know if he believes in all of that, that his soul is beautiful. It's more likely that Pure Vanilla is simply trying to comfort him. Except... that isn't very fair either. He's not the type to lie. Kind as he is, he's also been extremely honest with Vash.
It's an interesting, if uncomfortable, thing to sit with and turn over within his head. But maybe... there's a little comfort to be found there.]
Thank you, Pure Vanilla. For everything, realy.
no subject
How this man can ever think of himself as a Monster befuddles the former Cookie.
The way Vash sinks into his touch makes him smile and he strokes his fingers gently along, lightly petting. Then gently moves his other hand to cup the other cheek. Gently guide Vash's face down to press a soft kiss to his forehead. ]
I am always here when you need me, Vash. For whatever reason you may have. Even if you think it's inconsequential.
[ And he will never judge. He smiles and squeezes the other's cheeks gently before letting go, and picking up the Blondie Cookie doll again. ]
And sometimes, even if it's too something that cannot reply back, simply talking out loud does wonders.
no subject
Sorry, little guy. Didn't mean to let you go.
[The honesty offered is refreshing. Even Pure Vanilla had his limits, and admitting as much feels like a comfort. Not everyone could be a hero all the time.]
I'll try to keep that in mind. Wish I could promise more but... 'm sure you get it.
no subject
[ A small little quirk of his lips as he responds. Yea, he gets it. He scoots a little in closer again, so he's sitting side by side with Vash, and sneaks an arm around him. Squeeze the man against his side, lean his head in against Vash's shoulder. ]
Also may I offer? If ever you simply need a space, you are free to come here.
[ To this little bench amidst the trees. The Cookie house may be near by, and the School as well, but there's enough foliage here to private a surprising bit of privacy. For when someone simply needs to close their eyes and listen to the birds, to the bugs, to the wind. ]
no subject
[He only sought out comfort in this moment because he reached a breaking point. It's hard to say if he'll be able to will himself to do the same again next time. But maybe if he keeps trying. He's been focused on improving himself, hasn't he? Maybe it's more likely than he thinks.]
Maybe even just sitting outside would be nice.
[He doesn't have to come seeking Pure Vanilla out. Maybe just sitting down, away from it all, might help. Running away, but without all of the danger.]
Thanks for lookin' out for me. You're... [Despite it all, his heart thumps a little unevenly.] Once things are cleared up with Nick and I. You and I should talk.
no subject
And that gets a little rub of his horn against Vash's shoulder, a gentle touch. ]
Of course, my dear. You know where to find me, whenever you desire me.
[ That most certainly doesn't have any double meaning to it, nope, none what so ever. ]
Until then, may I make a request? Sit with me here, just a little while longer?
no subject
If someone as pure as the former Cookie could find the faintest flicker of something to be redeemed in Vash, then maybe he really wasn't as bad as he made himself out to be.
He'll ponder that much more later. For now, he nods and allows himself to relax all the further in Pure Vanilla's embrace.]
Just a little longer.