[Like Wolfwood, Vash has been doing a lot of thinking. Some of that thinking, admittedly, began before their reunion a few days prior. It's why he'd been so willing to offer out his hand that day. Angry as he had been (and perhaps, may still be in some small part of his mind), being available for his lovers was far more important, strained as their relationship might be.
Gnosis had helped. So had Pure Vanilla. But even with their assistance, there was still much to be rolled over within his mind. Isolating might run counter to that, but at least he wasn't wallowing. He just needed time to think.
That time, however, seemed to have run out. He hears the thud against his door and is on his feet within seconds. He opens it, and... finds himself staring dumbly at Wolfwood. He's come prepared, but... for what, Vash doesn't know.
No matter. He's here. Time to... do something about it all.]
Uh. Hey. Come in?
[Is it too much? Had Wolfwood simply come to offer a few things and then leave? He can't tell anymore. Nevertheless, he leaves the door wide open as he retreats.]
[Well, Vash isn't going to be able to retreat very far before Wolfwood steps in and shoves that box into his hands. He keeps the liquor bottle in his own for now, waiting for Vash to take the box before he lets go and steps in further.]
Those are for you. Figured you might not've eaten' much the last couple days.
[He could also be wrong, and Vash might have been stress eating, but nevertheless...he'll pace slowly across the room, and instead of propping himself up standoffishly against the wall like any other time back home, or even as of late, he'll sink into a sit on the edge of the bed.
The box has in it- what else- a dozen glazed donuts.]
[Vash has been doing his best to take Wolfwood's advice, of all people. ANd his own, in a matter of speaking. That is to say, ever since their last meeting, he's been trying to keep up on eating regular meals. Maybe not three a day, but he's at least been eating dinner and a small snack here and there. Is it the most healthy? No. But it's far better than Vash has been known to do.
He doesn't point this out, though. He doesn't want to diminish the weight of the gift that's been offered. That Wolfwood thought of him at all is one thing. But hte fact that despite their tension, he went out of the way to get him a box of his favorite snack?
Well. Maybe it makes Vash feel a little guilty for his doubts.
That's fine though. He takes a bite out of one as he sits down on the bed. He leaves a companionable distance between them, but doesn't sit so far away as to make it feel cold.]
[Wolfwood feels like he must have been right on the money with that, but honestly he didn't just bring them to feed Vash. It's...something of an ice breaker, of sorts. Maybe a peace offering, since he knows he's been bumbling their interactions ever since their big fight. He doesn't want to keep doing that, and he's noticed that Vash tends to get in his own head about assuming things, so...donuts. Maybe the physical show of thoughtfulness helps to break that barrier down, even if it's just a little bit.
He inclines his head in acknowledgement as he uncorks the bottle he brought with him, and if Vash looks close, he'll notice that the bottle seems a little familiar as he knocks back a swig. He didn't bring this to get drunk, mind (and Vash knows Wolfwood isn't a lightweight, he can handle most of this bottle on his own just fine, even though he plans on sharing if Vash wants), but it sure does help to calm the nerves buzzing just beneath the skin.
He's. Never been this nervous to talk to Vash, he thinks. Ever.]
[There's a dim level of recognition when Vash glances at the bottle. He's seen it on the shelves of several bars across No Man's Land over the years. It's a bit surprising for it to be here, simply because it means WOlfwood would have had to go through the extra effort to get it. It almost makes him feel guilty, to know the man was so out of sorts that he needed to resort to familiar vices.
But he won't judge, and he won't beat himself up just yet either.]
As long as you are, yeah.
[Vash has thought he's been ready to talk since he first came back. Granted, he wasn't nearly as prepared as he is now. The fact remains, he hasn't been the one putting it off. This was Wolfwood's choice, and Vash wasn't going to push it.]
Figure you oughta start?
[Wolfwood was the one that wanted a break. Which means the ball has ever been in his court.]
[He is. He hopes he is, anyway. But where to start is the question...
He glances down at the bottle in his hand, watching the way the clear liquor sloshes around when he tilts it this way or that. Vash was exactly right, he bought this because he needed something from home to ground him or he was going to actually go insane. Funny how that gets you when your whole continued existence is thrown into question.]
I've thought a lot about what was said. And what we know, now.
[Vash knows, of course. He doubts it needs to be rehashed, especially when they don't know enough intimate details to go over it necessarily.]
I was convinced that knowin' the future really does you nothin' but bad. And I'm still pretty sure I believe that.
[Because you can't deny that knowing what they know now has changed them fundamentally as people. They will never be the same as they were before they knew about JuLai. About Wolfwood's death. About Nai's plans, or Legato's, or anything they were told.]
...but you're my partner. And I shoulda'...been honest with you.
[He glances off to the side, like he's having trouble meeting Vash's eyes as he says this.]
It really fuckin' scared me when Zazie told me, Vash. I couldn't even fathom that bein' possible, despite livin' on the planet when Jenora Rock had happened, too. Maybe...
[...]
Maybe I just wanted to believe it couldn't happen twice. Not to you. Not to the guy whose been fightin' harder than everyone else to save the world.
You should have been. [He won't mince words here. Even if they didn't see eye to eye on what could be done, it was still important for Vash to know. The lack of honesty, alone, had been enough to make him crumble. But. But...] And I have more to say about all of that, but..
[He glances up toward the ceiling, chewing on his cheek as he does. He's trying to find the right words. He doesn't want to make this worse, but he also can't choke down his feelings and pretend they aren't there.]
It wasn't fair to say you broke my trust. You've been beside me through a lot. Told me the truth about where you came from when I finally asked about it. [He offers a grateful half smile here.]
You bruised it, is probably a better way to put it. [Thanks, PV.] It... sucks. But one bad turn doesn't take away all the good you've done. Especially when you were trying to do good along the way.
[Vash does not mince words, and Wolfwood does not shy away from them. He takes what he has to say without complaint, rubbing at the neck of the bottle with his thumb. He's still kindof looking elsewhere, at least until Vash brings up the point about trust which- honestly- had been what upset Wolfwood the most. Because despite their differences, despite how much shit they've had to go through together...that's one thing he feels like he can't lose. He's already risked it with the whole stunt he pulled back home, working with Knives and all...but at least that one is no longer a secret. Hell, Vash knew the whole time anyway. Or, at least...he suspected.
It's easier for him to swallow the idea that he bruised his trust. Something that was harmed in the moment, but can be repaired.
And that apology, that one simple word, goes a long way.]
...Thank you.
[His shoulders sag, just a little. Then, he takes another quick swig before offering the bottle Vash's way.]
I know I've been selfish. My particular ideals...tend to prioritize my family. I ain't gonna deny that.
[This...fuck you, got mine, mentality. Maybe a little less harsh than that, but the point stands when Wolfwood would give up the world for those he loves. Even if it meant giving up...more than Vash could stomach.]
I'm just one broken man among however many millions of us assholes managed to survive as long as we have in the desert. I don't get to decide who lives or dies.
[Ironic, coming from the assassin. A master in taking lives.]
[Vash doesn't relish drinking. He probably shouldn't even get in the habit, considering his current state. But there's something different about driniking with Wolfwood. It brings to mind old times, earlier days before they really, truly found themselves wrapped up in one another.
Maybe WOlfwood would have been better off without him. But Vash can't say he feels guilty that they wound up here. He could afford a little selfishness after all these years, he liked to think.]
We're two different people. Just because we love each other, doesn't mean those differences are gonna go away. We just have to... learn to work around them. [He takes a sip of the alcohol, wrinkles his nose, and then passes the bottle back. He does his best to not think about how this is the first time he's tasted Wolfwood's lips in weeks.]
I won't pretend it doesn't suck. That... I know I can't really share how I feel sometimes but... [He trails off. He's making too many assumptions here. It's part of a larger conversation that they need to have, perhaps even if a few seconds. But first... ] I wouldn't expect you to put someone you don't know above family. But in turn... if it comes to me... please don't ever put my comfort above the lives of others again.
[The bottle is returned, and Wolfwood takes it but doesn’t drink more for now. He just got it, it wouldn’t do to blow through the entire bottle in the first minute of them talking, even if he did get it to keep the nerves at bay. Talking is hard, he’s shit at it, but this needs to happen.
So he lets Vash take his turn speaking, once more worrying the edge of the glass with his fingers. Vash and Wolfwood will probably never see eye to eye perfectly in this regard, solely because Wolfwood is far more mortal than Vash is. It is very likely that even if Wolfwood lived into old age, Vash would barely change at all, long lived as he is. He’s been around for several lifetimes more, has seen far more death and destruction, and has watched countless lives come and go. Wolfwood…will never truly understand, nor will be able to comprehend that.
I know it's hard. Can't imagine how it feels from your perspective, watching me throw myself against a wall again and again, but - [That... reminds him of something. He falls silent, worrying his fingers together. He makes a note in the back of his mind to bring this up later, when Wolfwood's had a chance to say his own piece. Vash feels guilty, piling on him otherwise.]
But I can see that you're trying. And I should be telling you that I appreciate it more often.
[There's still more they should bring up. Vash's potential decision to stay here. His tendency to run off and get hurt, or to isolate. But he won't broach the rest of those subjects until they've had a minute to breathe about this one.]
[Wolfwood nods, because that is something he and Vash can agree on. It is difficult to watch him throw himself into the fray repeatedly, fighting what is- essentially- a losing battle. It wasn't so much of an issue before, but now? Now that they're involved, and now that Wolfwood is looking at someone he loves doing this to themselves? It's a lot harder to handle.
But he knows he's not innocent in this regard. He hasn't soon forgotten the book burning incident, and how Vash begged him to reconsider, but he brushed off his concerns at every turn. It's not always easy, and you don't always make the decisions that the people who care about you would like to see.]
And you have yours. Neither one of us is... bad for doing what we do. We just need to learn to be more considerate of the other perspective.
[Sometimes Vash feels like it's him, more than Nick. There's more he does on a regular basis. The problem is that if he leans too hard into the blame, it becomes an issue of self-flagellation. It's an ever complicated dance, in his eyes.]
We're different. We're always going to be different. But that's why we work well together, yeah? We even each other out?
[It's funny Vash feels that way, especially when he says the words "neither one of us is bad for doing what we do" when Wolfwood could very easily reply with "no, I am actually clearly bad because I kill people to protect a very small minority". But that's...probably not a point that needs reiterating, Vash knows he works for the Eye now and has chosen to stay with him regardless.
He fidgets a bit with the bottle between his hands. He kindof wishes he had a smoke, but he knows better than to do that in the Inn, and he's also not interested in catching them both on fire since he's also drinking.]
There's, uh... quite a bit, actually! Mostly all me things, so... don't worry about that.
[It's his turn to fidget with himself. Even with his lack of desire to drink, he finds himself itching to reach for the bottle, just for something to do. Instead, he picks up a donut and... twirls it around his metal finger. He's gonna get sugar in all the crevices, nasty ass.
Anyway...]
First off. I need you to do me a favor. It's probably gonna sound really dumb but - [He grimaces. The whole point is not to talk down about himself, isn't it? Oops.] When I start talking down about myself, I need you to not go along with it. You don't have to give me a pep talk or anything, just...
When you agree with me when I call myself an idiot, maybe I start to think that you really do feel that way about me. [A sigh.] Saying it out loud sounds pretty silly, huh?
[Quite a bit! Oh boy!!! Wolfwood feels a knot immediately start to form in the pit of his stomach, and this time he is not strong enough to stop himself from knocking back another swig of liquor. He'll scoot himself back a little on the bed as well so he's not hunched over the edge of the bed like a gargoyle, sitting now against the wall instead.
Familiar. Very familiar.
He props one arm over his good knee and listens as Vash explains himself, head slightly tilted to one side. He's not looking at him directly, more at the wall across from them both...at least until something prompts him to glance over, looking at the blonde over the rim of his shades.]
Have...I been doing that?
[Yes, you have-
But he looks genuinely surprised. Not in a "how dare you accuse me of doing that" way, but in a "I had no fucking idea" way. His brows knit together, the space above the bridge of his nose wrinkling as his shoulders slump back against the wall.]
I mean, I-
[He knows he's a hardass. He calls Vash all sorts of things all the time. An idiot is probably the least of those things, but he never...]
I didn't know you felt that way. You never said...
[...]
M'sorry, Vash. I didn't mean to...I don't think you're an idiot. Like not in a genuine way, I mean...like yeah you're stubborn, and you frustrate me sometimes with the shit you pull, but I never meant it like that. Shit...
[Vash can't help the way he jumps to Wolfwood's defense. He can't help but worry that it'll send Wolfwood into a spiral of his own, that he'll question every little moment between them. It takes him only a few seconds before he processes the irony of his efforts. Walking on eggshells to prevent Vash from shutting down is what Wolfwood and Livio have to do every damn day, isn't it?
Oof. He'll have to pencil in some time to really think about that later.]
But if I want to help myself, I need to make sure the people I love aren't, y'know... Encouraging those kinds of behaviors. You get it?
[His tone is soft, encouraging more than anything. Vash is a good liar, but there's nothing on his face that would even indicate the effort of doing so. For all intents and purposes, he looks to well and truly mean it.]
We started our relationship with plenty of ribbing. And maybe it's on me for changing the terms of how we interact but... I think it'll help.
[Like, Wolfwood was pretty volatile with Vash at the outset. It wasn't until they got to the Grove and started to get to know each other more that that began to actually change...he just never was under any impression that Vash was taking it to heart.
Well. Some of what he's said in the past were things he wanted him to get through his thick skull, but.]
But no, I...I get you. I mean...s'kinda different if I'm just the one callin' you a piece of shit for whatever reason, and you're sayin' it and I'm like "yeah no kiddin'". Just...as an example.
[...]
I'm wordin' that terribly. What I'm tryna' say is...I won't do that anymore. You know I'll still knock some sense into you if you deserve it, but otherwise...I'll try to be better about the other shit.
Yeah, exactly! It's different when we're messin' around. I like your grumpy, sharp edges and all that. But when I'm down on myself and you agree...
[He shrugs. If Wolfwood wanted to push back, to insist that he wouldn't stop, Vash wouldn't fight it. He feels uneasy, asking for things for himself. It's for his own good, and that feels wrong somehow. The narrative that he didn't deserve such good things went deep.]
And you shouldn't hesitate to tell me when I'm not getting something through my head, either. I know I shouldn't rely on you but... I need you, Nick. You're the best thing that happened to me in more than one way. You're not wrong when you say I probably wouldn't be alive without you.
[Which is... as good of a segue as he's going to get. His expression, briefly relieved at Wolfwood's agreement, sobers once more. Unlike his partner, he's still half hunched over the bed, making it easy to stare down at the ground, rather than looking up.]
I'm going to do my best to not run off and get banged up going forward. I know I keep saying that but... I'm trying. It's hard, and I won't pretend that it's not, but it only ever hurts us when I do.
[He's glad to hear Vash correct him on that, honestly. Knowing it's still okay to rib him like he always used to makes it sound like their dynamic isn't meant to entirely change, just...this one specific detail of it. That, Wolfwood is confident he can be more conscious of going forward. He'll make sure of it, at the very least.
Wolfwood's expression sobers a little. And for a moment, he looks...touched, genuinely, hearing Vash say that. It's kindof a huge deal for him to hear, given that he's done nothing back home but direct Vash right into the lion's den.]
I...need you too. You make me a better person, even if I'm still managing to fumble shit anyway.
[But he's trying, and Vash has acknowledged this. Which ends up leading into...
Wolfwood sits forward off the wall just a fraction, turning his head a little to try to look at Vash's face. He might not be able to look at him directly, but this is good enough for the time being.]
...Thank you, Vash. Seriously. Like, I know I sound like a hardass and a broken record, 'specially since...I know that ain't always somethin' you can help. But I...
[And now he sits back again, looking at his empty open hand in his lap next to the one still clutching his bottle of Bride.]
I worry about you. And every time you leave like that...I worry it's gonna be the last time I ever see you.
....'specially now.
[Knowing what they know. Knowing that his time on this earth is now cut extremely short.]
You might be fumbling, but so am I. We're both still trying to figure it all out, Nick.
[He's testing the water here, making sure that a first name basis is acceptable. Maybe he'd gone a little far, calling him Wolfwood when they'd last been together, but at the time keeping a careful distance was the only thing he could do to keep himself together.]
The point is, at least one of us has gotten better. And I don't think it's the guy running off to cause problems for himself.
[Likewise, Vash glances at that hand. His own twitches, thinking about reaching out. Instead, he keeps it firmly at his side. Even if they're doing better, he thinks about the way Wolfwood had denied him that same comfort a few days prior. He doesn't know if he can quite handle that same rejection again.
Instead, he folds them together in his lap. It's a fitful gesture, one that adjusts itself repeatedly. It isn't ideal.]
I can't imagine how it feels. It's... a big reason why I came back the other day. I wanted to run. I was so... upset and bitter but... if anything happened, I didn't want that to be it. If I only have a short time left with you, I want to make the best of it.
[Wolfwood notices Vash’s anxious fidgeting. He’d be hard pressed not to honestly, now that his full attention is on him. He also notices that Vash is slipping into blaming himself for everything again, and he thinks he maybe doesn’t even realize he’s doing it.]
Well sure, but…I didn’t exactly give you a reason to wanna stick around.
[It’s not like Vash running was unjustified. Wolfwood was…doing as he does. He was getting upset, raising his voice, and he’d just broken up with Vash more or less. Who would want to just sit there after that?
He gets it. And now that Vash is here, openly acknowledging it, promising to try to be better?
Wolfwood decides to make good on his own promise.
Even if Vash is too nervous to make the first move, Wolfwood- ever prompt and straightforward- will simply reach out and lays his own hand overtop one of Vash’s, tugging at it gently to try to peel them apart. To try to hold his hand, properly.]
[Vash's hands go limp the moment Wolfwood's fingers brush over them. He lets him pry one hand away, and only then does he tighten his fingers around him. For once, he doesn't care that it's his corrupted hand, the one that he's been so afraid might harm Wolfwood. He squeezes tight, almost as if afraid that the other man might simply drift away.]
Nick -
[All at once, it's too much to bear. He feels those calluses against his skin, stares at the stubble of his face and realizes just how much he's going to lose. He's wept for hours over the lives in JuLai, but somehow this single life felt like it would be the death of him.]
You don't - I-I mean it's not just -
[He can't figure out the words. Even if he could, the lump in his throat is making it too hard to speak. Instead, he uses the hand he has a hold of currently to pull Wolfwood forward. Maybe it's too far, too fast, but he doesn't care. He wraps his arms tight around the man, burying his face against his shoulder. He re-memorizes the smell of tobacco against the fabric of his clothes as he tries and fails to will himself not to begin weeping.]
Whatever gap was there, the gulf yawning wide and imposing, is crossed in a single motion, and...if Wolfwood wanted to stop it, he easily could. But he doesn't, because he doesn't want to. More than anything, this is how he wants Vash: close, in his arms, and by his side just like he was always meant to be.
If Vash had shied away from Wolfwood taking his flesh hand, he wouldn't have stopped it. It just felt...wrong, especially right now, to go for the hand that wouldn't be able to feel his touch as directly. And- God- the way Vash just falls apart is enough to break Wolfwood's heart.
And it isn't like he's made of stone. He's been fucking miserable for weeks now, and the closeness is like a soothing balm over a burn. Vash clutches him in a full-on, desperate embrace, and Wolfwood takes a moment to set the bottle aside somewhere it won't spill so he can return it. He has to be careful of his wings, but he manages to find someplace to put his right hand between them while his left reaches up to cradle the back of Vash's head, his fingers carding through the shorter hair there.]
No, you ain't. [He rumbles, pressing his lips to the crown of Vash's head.] S'gonna be okay. Yeah?
[He holds him a little tighter, a little closer. Vash might as well be in his lap, at this point. And as he cries, Wolfwood won't stop him. He'll just hold and let him, especially when he can feel unshed tears welling up in his own eyes, threatening to spill over when he blinks.]
[Nicholas D. Wolfwood has always been everything Vash has needed. Oh, he's danced around the feeling, fear holding him back from outright admitting his deep affections even to himself. To be so reliant on someone is a dangerous thing, especially for someone like Vash, who has ever been surrounded by death. Now, more than ever, he's aware of this threat, knowing that Wolfwood's death was no longer a vague possibility, but a reality they would have to contend with in the future.
Once upon a time, it would have strengthened his resolve. If he could shed himself of Wolfwood's presence, maybe he'd have a chance at life. But they're both too wrapped up within themselves now. Both here and back home, they've painted targets on one another.
And he doubts either of them would change it.]
I love you, so much. [He sniffles, wet and wibbling.] Jeez, shouldn't be cryin' all over you when...
[He leaves the rest unsaid. They both know what he's thinking, though. It doesn't feel right to weep when Wolfwood has so much more to fear.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Gnosis had helped. So had Pure Vanilla. But even with their assistance, there was still much to be rolled over within his mind. Isolating might run counter to that, but at least he wasn't wallowing. He just needed time to think.
That time, however, seemed to have run out. He hears the thud against his door and is on his feet within seconds. He opens it, and... finds himself staring dumbly at Wolfwood. He's come prepared, but... for what, Vash doesn't know.
No matter. He's here. Time to... do something about it all.]
Uh. Hey. Come in?
[Is it too much? Had Wolfwood simply come to offer a few things and then leave? He can't tell anymore. Nevertheless, he leaves the door wide open as he retreats.]
no subject
Those are for you. Figured you might not've eaten' much the last couple days.
[He could also be wrong, and Vash might have been stress eating, but nevertheless...he'll pace slowly across the room, and instead of propping himself up standoffishly against the wall like any other time back home, or even as of late, he'll sink into a sit on the edge of the bed.
The box has in it- what else- a dozen glazed donuts.]
cw: disordered eating
He doesn't point this out, though. He doesn't want to diminish the weight of the gift that's been offered. That Wolfwood thought of him at all is one thing. But hte fact that despite their tension, he went out of the way to get him a box of his favorite snack?
Well. Maybe it makes Vash feel a little guilty for his doubts.
That's fine though. He takes a bite out of one as he sits down on the bed. He leaves a companionable distance between them, but doesn't sit so far away as to make it feel cold.]
Thanks. Um, for the food, I mean.
no subject
He inclines his head in acknowledgement as he uncorks the bottle he brought with him, and if Vash looks close, he'll notice that the bottle seems a little familiar as he knocks back a swig. He didn't bring this to get drunk, mind (and Vash knows Wolfwood isn't a lightweight, he can handle most of this bottle on his own just fine, even though he plans on sharing if Vash wants), but it sure does help to calm the nerves buzzing just beneath the skin.
He's. Never been this nervous to talk to Vash, he thinks. Ever.]
Wanted t'see if you were, uh. Feelin' up to talk.
no subject
But he won't judge, and he won't beat himself up just yet either.]
As long as you are, yeah.
[Vash has thought he's been ready to talk since he first came back. Granted, he wasn't nearly as prepared as he is now. The fact remains, he hasn't been the one putting it off. This was Wolfwood's choice, and Vash wasn't going to push it.]
Figure you oughta start?
[Wolfwood was the one that wanted a break. Which means the ball has ever been in his court.]
no subject
He glances down at the bottle in his hand, watching the way the clear liquor sloshes around when he tilts it this way or that. Vash was exactly right, he bought this because he needed something from home to ground him or he was going to actually go insane. Funny how that gets you when your whole continued existence is thrown into question.]
I've thought a lot about what was said. And what we know, now.
[Vash knows, of course. He doubts it needs to be rehashed, especially when they don't know enough intimate details to go over it necessarily.]
I was convinced that knowin' the future really does you nothin' but bad. And I'm still pretty sure I believe that.
[Because you can't deny that knowing what they know now has changed them fundamentally as people. They will never be the same as they were before they knew about JuLai. About Wolfwood's death. About Nai's plans, or Legato's, or anything they were told.]
...but you're my partner. And I shoulda'...been honest with you.
[He glances off to the side, like he's having trouble meeting Vash's eyes as he says this.]
It really fuckin' scared me when Zazie told me, Vash. I couldn't even fathom that bein' possible, despite livin' on the planet when Jenora Rock had happened, too. Maybe...
[...]
Maybe I just wanted to believe it couldn't happen twice. Not to you. Not to the guy whose been fightin' harder than everyone else to save the world.
It wouldn't be fair.
no subject
[He glances up toward the ceiling, chewing on his cheek as he does. He's trying to find the right words. He doesn't want to make this worse, but he also can't choke down his feelings and pretend they aren't there.]
It wasn't fair to say you broke my trust. You've been beside me through a lot. Told me the truth about where you came from when I finally asked about it. [He offers a grateful half smile here.]
You bruised it, is probably a better way to put it. [Thanks, PV.] It... sucks. But one bad turn doesn't take away all the good you've done. Especially when you were trying to do good along the way.
I'm sorry I implied otherwise.
no subject
It's easier for him to swallow the idea that he bruised his trust. Something that was harmed in the moment, but can be repaired.
And that apology, that one simple word, goes a long way.]
...Thank you.
[His shoulders sag, just a little. Then, he takes another quick swig before offering the bottle Vash's way.]
I know I've been selfish. My particular ideals...tend to prioritize my family. I ain't gonna deny that.
[This...fuck you, got mine, mentality. Maybe a little less harsh than that, but the point stands when Wolfwood would give up the world for those he loves. Even if it meant giving up...more than Vash could stomach.]
I'm just one broken man among however many millions of us assholes managed to survive as long as we have in the desert. I don't get to decide who lives or dies.
[Ironic, coming from the assassin. A master in taking lives.]
no subject
Maybe WOlfwood would have been better off without him. But Vash can't say he feels guilty that they wound up here. He could afford a little selfishness after all these years, he liked to think.]
We're two different people. Just because we love each other, doesn't mean those differences are gonna go away. We just have to... learn to work around them. [He takes a sip of the alcohol, wrinkles his nose, and then passes the bottle back. He does his best to not think about how this is the first time he's tasted Wolfwood's lips in weeks.]
I won't pretend it doesn't suck. That... I know I can't really share how I feel sometimes but... [He trails off. He's making too many assumptions here. It's part of a larger conversation that they need to have, perhaps even if a few seconds. But first... ] I wouldn't expect you to put someone you don't know above family. But in turn... if it comes to me... please don't ever put my comfort above the lives of others again.
no subject
So he lets Vash take his turn speaking, once more worrying the edge of the glass with his fingers. Vash and Wolfwood will probably never see eye to eye perfectly in this regard, solely because Wolfwood is far more mortal than Vash is. It is very likely that even if Wolfwood lived into old age, Vash would barely change at all, long lived as he is. He’s been around for several lifetimes more, has seen far more death and destruction, and has watched countless lives come and go. Wolfwood…will never truly understand, nor will be able to comprehend that.
His head ducks forward just a little more.]
Okay. I won’t.
no subject
But I can see that you're trying. And I should be telling you that I appreciate it more often.
[There's still more they should bring up. Vash's potential decision to stay here. His tendency to run off and get hurt, or to isolate. But he won't broach the rest of those subjects until they've had a minute to breathe about this one.]
no subject
But he knows he's not innocent in this regard. He hasn't soon forgotten the book burning incident, and how Vash begged him to reconsider, but he brushed off his concerns at every turn. It's not always easy, and you don't always make the decisions that the people who care about you would like to see.]
I am, yeah. But I know you got your reasons.
no subject
[Sometimes Vash feels like it's him, more than Nick. There's more he does on a regular basis. The problem is that if he leans too hard into the blame, it becomes an issue of self-flagellation. It's an ever complicated dance, in his eyes.]
We're different. We're always going to be different. But that's why we work well together, yeah? We even each other out?
no subject
He fidgets a bit with the bottle between his hands. He kindof wishes he had a smoke, but he knows better than to do that in the Inn, and he's also not interested in catching them both on fire since he's also drinking.]
...yeah. For better or worse, we do.
[...]
Y'look like there's somethin' else you wanna say.
no subject
[It's his turn to fidget with himself. Even with his lack of desire to drink, he finds himself itching to reach for the bottle, just for something to do. Instead, he picks up a donut and... twirls it around his metal finger. He's gonna get sugar in all the crevices, nasty ass.
Anyway...]
First off. I need you to do me a favor. It's probably gonna sound really dumb but - [He grimaces. The whole point is not to talk down about himself, isn't it? Oops.] When I start talking down about myself, I need you to not go along with it. You don't have to give me a pep talk or anything, just...
When you agree with me when I call myself an idiot, maybe I start to think that you really do feel that way about me. [A sigh.] Saying it out loud sounds pretty silly, huh?
no subject
Familiar. Very familiar.
He props one arm over his good knee and listens as Vash explains himself, head slightly tilted to one side. He's not looking at him directly, more at the wall across from them both...at least until something prompts him to glance over, looking at the blonde over the rim of his shades.]
Have...I been doing that?
[Yes, you have-
But he looks genuinely surprised. Not in a "how dare you accuse me of doing that" way, but in a "I had no fucking idea" way. His brows knit together, the space above the bridge of his nose wrinkling as his shoulders slump back against the wall.]
I mean, I-
[He knows he's a hardass. He calls Vash all sorts of things all the time. An idiot is probably the least of those things, but he never...]
I didn't know you felt that way. You never said...
[...]
M'sorry, Vash. I didn't mean to...I don't think you're an idiot. Like not in a genuine way, I mean...like yeah you're stubborn, and you frustrate me sometimes with the shit you pull, but I never meant it like that. Shit...
no subject
[Vash can't help the way he jumps to Wolfwood's defense. He can't help but worry that it'll send Wolfwood into a spiral of his own, that he'll question every little moment between them. It takes him only a few seconds before he processes the irony of his efforts. Walking on eggshells to prevent Vash from shutting down is what Wolfwood and Livio have to do every damn day, isn't it?
Oof. He'll have to pencil in some time to really think about that later.]
But if I want to help myself, I need to make sure the people I love aren't, y'know... Encouraging those kinds of behaviors. You get it?
[His tone is soft, encouraging more than anything. Vash is a good liar, but there's nothing on his face that would even indicate the effort of doing so. For all intents and purposes, he looks to well and truly mean it.]
We started our relationship with plenty of ribbing. And maybe it's on me for changing the terms of how we interact but... I think it'll help.
no subject
[Like, Wolfwood was pretty volatile with Vash at the outset. It wasn't until they got to the Grove and started to get to know each other more that that began to actually change...he just never was under any impression that Vash was taking it to heart.
Well. Some of what he's said in the past were things he wanted him to get through his thick skull, but.]
But no, I...I get you. I mean...s'kinda different if I'm just the one callin' you a piece of shit for whatever reason, and you're sayin' it and I'm like "yeah no kiddin'". Just...as an example.
[...]
I'm wordin' that terribly. What I'm tryna' say is...I won't do that anymore. You know I'll still knock some sense into you if you deserve it, but otherwise...I'll try to be better about the other shit.
no subject
[He shrugs. If Wolfwood wanted to push back, to insist that he wouldn't stop, Vash wouldn't fight it. He feels uneasy, asking for things for himself. It's for his own good, and that feels wrong somehow. The narrative that he didn't deserve such good things went deep.]
And you shouldn't hesitate to tell me when I'm not getting something through my head, either. I know I shouldn't rely on you but... I need you, Nick. You're the best thing that happened to me in more than one way. You're not wrong when you say I probably wouldn't be alive without you.
[Which is... as good of a segue as he's going to get. His expression, briefly relieved at Wolfwood's agreement, sobers once more. Unlike his partner, he's still half hunched over the bed, making it easy to stare down at the ground, rather than looking up.]
I'm going to do my best to not run off and get banged up going forward. I know I keep saying that but... I'm trying. It's hard, and I won't pretend that it's not, but it only ever hurts us when I do.
no subject
Wolfwood's expression sobers a little. And for a moment, he looks...touched, genuinely, hearing Vash say that. It's kindof a huge deal for him to hear, given that he's done nothing back home but direct Vash right into the lion's den.]
I...need you too. You make me a better person, even if I'm still managing to fumble shit anyway.
[But he's trying, and Vash has acknowledged this. Which ends up leading into...
Wolfwood sits forward off the wall just a fraction, turning his head a little to try to look at Vash's face. He might not be able to look at him directly, but this is good enough for the time being.]
...Thank you, Vash. Seriously. Like, I know I sound like a hardass and a broken record, 'specially since...I know that ain't always somethin' you can help. But I...
[And now he sits back again, looking at his empty open hand in his lap next to the one still clutching his bottle of Bride.]
I worry about you. And every time you leave like that...I worry it's gonna be the last time I ever see you.
....'specially now.
[Knowing what they know. Knowing that his time on this earth is now cut extremely short.]
no subject
[He's testing the water here, making sure that a first name basis is acceptable. Maybe he'd gone a little far, calling him Wolfwood when they'd last been together, but at the time keeping a careful distance was the only thing he could do to keep himself together.]
The point is, at least one of us has gotten better. And I don't think it's the guy running off to cause problems for himself.
[Likewise, Vash glances at that hand. His own twitches, thinking about reaching out. Instead, he keeps it firmly at his side. Even if they're doing better, he thinks about the way Wolfwood had denied him that same comfort a few days prior. He doesn't know if he can quite handle that same rejection again.
Instead, he folds them together in his lap. It's a fitful gesture, one that adjusts itself repeatedly. It isn't ideal.]
I can't imagine how it feels. It's... a big reason why I came back the other day. I wanted to run. I was so... upset and bitter but... if anything happened, I didn't want that to be it. If I only have a short time left with you, I want to make the best of it.
no subject
Well sure, but…I didn’t exactly give you a reason to wanna stick around.
[It’s not like Vash running was unjustified. Wolfwood was…doing as he does. He was getting upset, raising his voice, and he’d just broken up with Vash more or less. Who would want to just sit there after that?
He gets it. And now that Vash is here, openly acknowledging it, promising to try to be better?
Wolfwood decides to make good on his own promise.
Even if Vash is too nervous to make the first move, Wolfwood- ever prompt and straightforward- will simply reach out and lays his own hand overtop one of Vash’s, tugging at it gently to try to peel them apart. To try to hold his hand, properly.]
…m’sorry I hurt you. More than anythin’ else.
no subject
Nick -
[All at once, it's too much to bear. He feels those calluses against his skin, stares at the stubble of his face and realizes just how much he's going to lose. He's wept for hours over the lives in JuLai, but somehow this single life felt like it would be the death of him.]
You don't - I-I mean it's not just -
[He can't figure out the words. Even if he could, the lump in his throat is making it too hard to speak. Instead, he uses the hand he has a hold of currently to pull Wolfwood forward. Maybe it's too far, too fast, but he doesn't care. He wraps his arms tight around the man, burying his face against his shoulder. He re-memorizes the smell of tobacco against the fabric of his clothes as he tries and fails to will himself not to begin weeping.]
've been... such an idiot.
no subject
Whatever gap was there, the gulf yawning wide and imposing, is crossed in a single motion, and...if Wolfwood wanted to stop it, he easily could. But he doesn't, because he doesn't want to. More than anything, this is how he wants Vash: close, in his arms, and by his side just like he was always meant to be.
If Vash had shied away from Wolfwood taking his flesh hand, he wouldn't have stopped it. It just felt...wrong, especially right now, to go for the hand that wouldn't be able to feel his touch as directly. And- God- the way Vash just falls apart is enough to break Wolfwood's heart.
And it isn't like he's made of stone. He's been fucking miserable for weeks now, and the closeness is like a soothing balm over a burn. Vash clutches him in a full-on, desperate embrace, and Wolfwood takes a moment to set the bottle aside somewhere it won't spill so he can return it. He has to be careful of his wings, but he manages to find someplace to put his right hand between them while his left reaches up to cradle the back of Vash's head, his fingers carding through the shorter hair there.]
No, you ain't. [He rumbles, pressing his lips to the crown of Vash's head.] S'gonna be okay. Yeah?
[He holds him a little tighter, a little closer. Vash might as well be in his lap, at this point. And as he cries, Wolfwood won't stop him. He'll just hold and let him, especially when he can feel unshed tears welling up in his own eyes, threatening to spill over when he blinks.]
I love you, okay?
no subject
Once upon a time, it would have strengthened his resolve. If he could shed himself of Wolfwood's presence, maybe he'd have a chance at life. But they're both too wrapped up within themselves now. Both here and back home, they've painted targets on one another.
And he doubts either of them would change it.]
I love you, so much. [He sniffles, wet and wibbling.] Jeez, shouldn't be cryin' all over you when...
[He leaves the rest unsaid. They both know what he's thinking, though. It doesn't feel right to weep when Wolfwood has so much more to fear.]
'm sorry I'm like this.
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)